I've gotten so fat I can hardly bear to look at myself. I just want to self destruct. I want cut myself to ribbons and smash my skull and do anything to hurt myself. and cry too. It's just becoming hard to imagine ever getting back to where I was. Fuck.

Hopeless

Been home sick this week, ate a lot, cut a lot. Just hating everything, really. I'm always going to be a useless, fat lump of good-for-nothing. It just feels futile. I'm daydreaming about being so very thin. One day, Maybe it will happen. But for now, I'm fat and I can't do anything right,

Plans

So he's what happened today. My group of friends wanted to go and see a film in the morning, so I went along but after I paid for my ticket I started to feel really depressed. I mean, enough that I couldn't hide it from them which is pretty rare. I knew that I wanted to be anywhere but there so I made an excuse and left. But instead of taking the bus back, I went into the loos and started cutting. I had my razor blade in my bag just I'm case and I'm glad I had it. I cut pretty deep into my arm and I could see white and pink stuff for a minute before the blood came. And when it did, I tried to wash it away in the sinks, but there was just watered down blood everywhere and a few people started to look. Anyway, I slapped a plaster on it and haven't looked since. My mum came to pick me up because I told her I was feeling ill. The rest of today, she's done nothing but tell me to eat. I just feel really isolated and I know bailing on my friends wasn't about to help that but I don't really know why I do anything anymore, so I can't explain that for you.
Today, I've had three pieces of chocolate and I threw some toast out of the window and told people I'd eaten it.

New things

I managed to save up £160 so I went to lakeside to buy things :) got an early start after my 8 o clock orthodontist appt and stayed out until 1. I got a  knitted black scarf, lacy blue top, a necklace, some tights, perfect fitting jeans and a men's jumper. Haha nobody cares, I know. But anyway, the other thing I got which I'm most pleased with is a set of four disposable razors with four blades in each. £3 for the whole set as well which is pretty amazing as I'm set for the next millennia as far as cutting utensils goes. So I spent some of the afternoon melting open these razors to get at the metal. They're so sharp, I managed to cut open a good few millimetres on my leg without any effort at all. It's kinda sick in a way but I love it.
Also, I didn't eat apart from dinner which was chilli and I left two thirds of it under the pretence of it being too hot. Plus coffee. Always plus coffee.
Hope everybody's doing well, have a nice weekend!

Good news!

Not much time to blog right now but 110.8OMGGG!!!!! And it's after breakfast (200 cals but not having any other food today so it's ok)
In other news dads still being an arse and we have to go out as a family tomorrow. I hate few things more than family outings
Still, 110.8! Yay!

Sorry again

I've been missing off of blogger for ages, I know. Nothing much to report. It's half eleven at night, right now. I've been sleeping a lot and shaking now and again. Eating has been ok, a fairly steady and predictable pattern of a few mouthfuls of cereal, sometimes some grapes for lunch, one or two coffees and dinner. I've been staying off of counting calories and, although it seems like such a lot of food when I list it all, it's as little as I can do while everyone's on my back. My mother is constantly reminding me about eating more and saying that I haven't given her a leg to stand on when it comes to defending me to pushy teachers. Also my dads back and it's he'll. He's an arrogant git and a nuisance. I know, of course, it isn't healthy to say those things about my father and yes I love him really because he's family. But god. can we send him back to Australia? Anyway, my family relationships aren't exactly the most disturbing or unhealthy thing on this blog are they? Which brings me onto my last bit of news, I managed to nick one of my mum's replacement scalpel blades. I was considering stealing her new and very sharp filleting knife, wondering whether or not she would suspect me. By chance, I was using the scalpel to cut some paper. Isn't it lovely when everything just falls into place? It cuts much deeper than my knife and is easier to hide (in my mini sewing kit) ;)
Swimming at school on Monday, which I can't get out of since I faked a cold last week. Fucking PE is degrading enough but this... Well depending on how things pan out, it could be the end of my little secret and the beginning of counselling sessions and such. I know K looks at me when we're changing, and I can only hope it's because she suspects me, rather than anything more creepy. Probably so she can go and squeal to the teachers. Ok I know it's not fair to criticise someone for telling an adult of they're trying to help, but it's not that with her. She relishes it, spends all her time in the office just chatting to the nitch, mrs G. And when weld see her, she all K talks about. It drives me mad. Sorry, I'm ranting and I shouldn't. As you can tell, I'm not best pleased with anyone at the moment, but I'll go into more detail on that another time.
Weight has gone down finally from 15 to 13. There is hope.

Bad start

Today was the first day back at school and it sucked. Aside from lessons being awful I've realised that there is no way I can get out of eating. I could maybe handle having breakfast everyday since my mum watches, if I could cut back on anything else. But now I actually have to have lunch too. A little dish of pasta, cereal bar and a yoghurt which, even though I can miss out the latter two is still too much. And I have Em, who not only has nobody else to eat with, but suspected me previously of under eating. She's doing really well in recovery so I don't want to set her off again. Also she most likely knows all the tricks. K never has lunch with us anymore which is annoying because it means that I can't leave Em on her own. (don't get me wrong it's not that I don't enjoy being around her it's just that I don't want to have to eat) unless I can find a way of getting around it, I'll just have to deal with teachers on my back. It seems a shame because my mother was so sure that I was fine and I hate to make her feel foolish after fighting for them to stop bothering me. Now she keeps commenting on me not eating enough. Now schools started she says she wants me to try and do three meals a day. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Hope you're all in a better position!