I've gotten so fat I can hardly bear to look at myself. I just want to self destruct. I want cut myself to ribbons and smash my skull and do anything to hurt myself. and cry too. It's just becoming hard to imagine ever getting back to where I was. Fuck.

Hopeless

Been home sick this week, ate a lot, cut a lot. Just hating everything, really. I'm always going to be a useless, fat lump of good-for-nothing. It just feels futile. I'm daydreaming about being so very thin. One day, Maybe it will happen. But for now, I'm fat and I can't do anything right,

Plans

So he's what happened today. My group of friends wanted to go and see a film in the morning, so I went along but after I paid for my ticket I started to feel really depressed. I mean, enough that I couldn't hide it from them which is pretty rare. I knew that I wanted to be anywhere but there so I made an excuse and left. But instead of taking the bus back, I went into the loos and started cutting. I had my razor blade in my bag just I'm case and I'm glad I had it. I cut pretty deep into my arm and I could see white and pink stuff for a minute before the blood came. And when it did, I tried to wash it away in the sinks, but there was just watered down blood everywhere and a few people started to look. Anyway, I slapped a plaster on it and haven't looked since. My mum came to pick me up because I told her I was feeling ill. The rest of today, she's done nothing but tell me to eat. I just feel really isolated and I know bailing on my friends wasn't about to help that but I don't really know why I do anything anymore, so I can't explain that for you.
Today, I've had three pieces of chocolate and I threw some toast out of the window and told people I'd eaten it.

New things

I managed to save up £160 so I went to lakeside to buy things :) got an early start after my 8 o clock orthodontist appt and stayed out until 1. I got a  knitted black scarf, lacy blue top, a necklace, some tights, perfect fitting jeans and a men's jumper. Haha nobody cares, I know. But anyway, the other thing I got which I'm most pleased with is a set of four disposable razors with four blades in each. £3 for the whole set as well which is pretty amazing as I'm set for the next millennia as far as cutting utensils goes. So I spent some of the afternoon melting open these razors to get at the metal. They're so sharp, I managed to cut open a good few millimetres on my leg without any effort at all. It's kinda sick in a way but I love it.
Also, I didn't eat apart from dinner which was chilli and I left two thirds of it under the pretence of it being too hot. Plus coffee. Always plus coffee.
Hope everybody's doing well, have a nice weekend!