Looking up

Things have been good the past few days :) my mother bought be sme new watercolours and they're great. I was always shit at painting but I think I've either improved or it was because all I had were some crayons poster paints from when I was a toddler. The results have been pretty good, for me anyway. They aren't great by artist standards, but oh well. My psychology teacher (for next year, anyway) asked me to help her with her wall display so I've had the chance to get captive and hopefully get on her good side. I'm no brown noser but it never hurts to nurture a positive teacher student relationship, eh? Ahem. I've pretty much not snacked at all because I've been painting and drinking coffee and hot chocolate. I know they have calories but it's a start. School is... Meh. (rant coming up) I've come to realise the extent to which I'm a wallflower in my school. So Im not exactly an extrovert but I never thought anyone could actually forget that I'm sitting right next to them. Long story short, one girl was convinced that I'd gone home hours ago until I tapped her on the shoulder. I'm not even joking, we talked not five minutes before. This was after our group performance at the school arts evening last night. They went ahead and changed the whole piece without bothering to tell me. Of course I only found out half way in when they started playing a completely different song and I just had to sit there like a retard in front of everyone. And people walk away when I'm in the middle of talking to them. Just mid-sentence. I mean, yeah it's great that no one notices when I skip batting in PE, but sometimes it's such a pain to be completely invisible. And I hate cliches. Still, I suppose I don't mind so much. I'm comfortable under my rock, it's safe and I don't have to deal with people. My mums been nagging me all day to go out and see people. Oh well. *sigh* despite how it sounds, I'm actually really happy. Because every moment I'm feeling miserable, I'm still burning calories. When things are shit, I just think how those girls would react if they saw me ten pounds lighter after the summer. Or whether they would feel guilty if I was hospitalised. And no, I DON'T want that- tubes and wires, hospital food, no exercise, homesickness and how devastated my friends and family would be. But after all, I think I'm starting to grasp why I am the way I am. Of course I wish I was thinner but more than that, this gives me justification. Maybe it's twisted, I don't know, but in a way it's perspective. Self harm and self loathing, trying to starve myself thin is like an excuse to be as fucked up as I am. It's as if whatever happens I can still say to myself, well would they judge me if they knew? I don't want to hurt people but I still love my secret weapon more than anything. It's like a meaning. Not the meaning of life, but it's something. In a few years I have no idea where I'm going to be. But I know I want to be- will be- thinner. Everything else can just fall into place. Sorry for the long, depressing post. Hope you are all ok, stay strong as always.