Fail. Faaaaail. Failfailfail.

Just got back from my nan's three and a half hours plus traffic. No more pear cider, giant cookies and takeaway. I'm afraid to weigh because I'm so fat right now. My legs are okay ish. Thighs Idek and my stomach which was getting better now look pregnant. Fucking hell. And my periods back. Anyone got any clue about this? It started when I visited my nan up north and it carried on for a few months and went away. Now its back for the first time, I got it the day after I got there. What the hell? Maybe it's the air. Hope you're all ok, gonna go take a much needed shower.

Idontevenknowwhatdayitis

Hi guys, I just want to say that my iPad is being weird and won't let me comment or reply to comments but to the lovely commenters, thanks and I hope you're all doing well. Stupid technology. Idek.

I'm going up north to Lancashire to visit my nan today. It's just going to be me and my mum (and my nan obviously) as my dad's working and my bro just got a new job and can't ask for time off. He's earning £50 a day by the way which is pretty amazing as he's 17 and it's more than twice minimum wage. Anyway he lives at home so it's not going on rent or anything; he's saving up for a new camera and he also has a surprise for me apparently. Aww <3 my bros great but very loud (hes my polar opposite including the fact that he eats tons of crap and stays thin as a rake) and so I'm looking forward to peace and quiet this week. And it will be doubly quiet where my nan lives too.

Anyway, onto the important stuff. I binged pretty bad yesterday. Crackers, 3 fucking club bars, strawberries, cream, and leek and and potato soup. But weirdly I don't feel that awful. It was kind of like I'd been doing so well lately (even though  didn't lose) it was to be expected and I kind of welcomed it. Now I can get back to restricting.

Good luck everyone x and have a great week!

What the hell?

I've not binged these past few days and I've not lost any weight :( well, I weighed yesterday (I think? I'm losing track of time now) and I'm still at 114 and it sucks! I'm living off of crackers, coffee and soup, also anyone looking to stop bingeing, go out and buy a copy of The Sims 3. It's so addictive I forget to eat. I've been a simmer since I was small and now my laptop is fixed I'm doing little else. Yeah it's not healthy but neither is restricting, so....
Anyway I went to the dentist yesterday and he numbed my mouth with like fortytwo fucking needles and now my lip is swollen where I chewed it in my sleep. I can't abide going to the dentist. It's just wrong, sitting there with your head practically in some strangers lap while they put their hands in your mouth?! Maybe I'm just being neurotic. Idk. Still, as dentists go mines pretty good; he sings and tells me about the stupid things he's done like giving himself a black eye at the gym.
Here's some thinspo that was already on this blog. Stupid iPad compatibility issues. Haha, I'm working on it honestly :)

So yeah, fun times. I've now got a very attractive swollen lip :/ wooh.

Eurgh...

Hi everyone sorry I've been so nonexistent lately :( I didn't sleep last night, gave up trying at around four in the morning and played sims instead. Fucking addictive. Anyway I've been up something like 36 hours and I've had two crackers, a smallish portion of veggie stir fry with no sauce and a chocolate eclair. Yuck. Also a shit load of coffee. I've switched to decaf so that I can save regular for emergencies like this morning when I desperately needed to be awake. I'm so stupid I drank decaf by mistake. I'm not sure if what I'm typing makes sense either. Haha. I'm trying to proofread, honestly I am but the words aren't cooperating. I must be tired. Ha.
I binged three days ago, like serious bingeing and I'm at 114 lbs. incidentally I'm apparently the same height and weight as Megan fox but idk if thats current, I just came across it on google. She's all muscle anyway and I'm just a big fat pile of useless flabby lard. With big feet. Yeah.
Anyway, just wanted to catch up, nothing much else to say apart from hope youre all doing well and feeling good. I'm still reading blogs even when I'm not commenting or updating anyway. Goodnight. X

almost summer!

It seems I do more bingeing and starting afresh than actual weight loss. Today was good-ish. Crackers, lots of coffee, salad and strawberries with perhaps too much cream and sugar. The past few days were horrid. Yesterday I had four cookies (almost 1000 cals!) plus normal intake. Ive been too afraid to weigh myself since a week or so ago. Around 110 lbs. considering anywhere over 109 makes me Antic like hell, I've been quite good about it. Ive just tried to pretend it never happened, but it's so hard with all this disgusting fat hanging off my body. I've gotten kindof close to another girl in my class who's been borrowing my phone to sort out stuff with her ex etc. I had a peek at the texts when I got home (as anyone would. I know it's wrong but I was curious and she could have erased them if she wanted)and discovered that she also self harms. It made sense in a way. I don't think I would've suspected but if I had to pick someone in my class who I thought might then it would be her. I really want to talk to her about it and maybe offer support or just let her know that she isn't alone and that she can talk about it. But I don't know how to bring it up without embarrassing her or letting her know I saw the texts. She might not trust me if she knew I read them. Had drama all week instead of lessons which was great :). And I've only got three more days of school untill the summer. Woo! I promise to have control this summer. Without school I know I won't be having lunch and not being in that routine means I won't snack mindlessly so much. Hope you're all doing okay. Ps. I changed my name. Was wondering how to do that for a while.

Looking up

Things have been good the past few days :) my mother bought be sme new watercolours and they're great. I was always shit at painting but I think I've either improved or it was because all I had were some crayons poster paints from when I was a toddler. The results have been pretty good, for me anyway. They aren't great by artist standards, but oh well. My psychology teacher (for next year, anyway) asked me to help her with her wall display so I've had the chance to get captive and hopefully get on her good side. I'm no brown noser but it never hurts to nurture a positive teacher student relationship, eh? Ahem. I've pretty much not snacked at all because I've been painting and drinking coffee and hot chocolate. I know they have calories but it's a start. School is... Meh. (rant coming up) I've come to realise the extent to which I'm a wallflower in my school. So Im not exactly an extrovert but I never thought anyone could actually forget that I'm sitting right next to them. Long story short, one girl was convinced that I'd gone home hours ago until I tapped her on the shoulder. I'm not even joking, we talked not five minutes before. This was after our group performance at the school arts evening last night. They went ahead and changed the whole piece without bothering to tell me. Of course I only found out half way in when they started playing a completely different song and I just had to sit there like a retard in front of everyone. And people walk away when I'm in the middle of talking to them. Just mid-sentence. I mean, yeah it's great that no one notices when I skip batting in PE, but sometimes it's such a pain to be completely invisible. And I hate cliches. Still, I suppose I don't mind so much. I'm comfortable under my rock, it's safe and I don't have to deal with people. My mums been nagging me all day to go out and see people. Oh well. *sigh* despite how it sounds, I'm actually really happy. Because every moment I'm feeling miserable, I'm still burning calories. When things are shit, I just think how those girls would react if they saw me ten pounds lighter after the summer. Or whether they would feel guilty if I was hospitalised. And no, I DON'T want that- tubes and wires, hospital food, no exercise, homesickness and how devastated my friends and family would be. But after all, I think I'm starting to grasp why I am the way I am. Of course I wish I was thinner but more than that, this gives me justification. Maybe it's twisted, I don't know, but in a way it's perspective. Self harm and self loathing, trying to starve myself thin is like an excuse to be as fucked up as I am. It's as if whatever happens I can still say to myself, well would they judge me if they knew? I don't want to hurt people but I still love my secret weapon more than anything. It's like a meaning. Not the meaning of life, but it's something. In a few years I have no idea where I'm going to be. But I know I want to be- will be- thinner. Everything else can just fall into place. Sorry for the long, depressing post. Hope you are all ok, stay strong as always.

third of july

Yesterday was a success! Today, not s much... Anyway I'd rather just think about yesterday. I had cereal for breakfast, an oat bar (90 cals) and an omelette with brown bread. Binged today but I'm going to reign it in. My stomach has definitely shrunk. Not the flab, the actual maximum capacity of my stomach. When I eat a regular sized meal, I feel very full and sick. Maybe Its psychological. Oh well.