Sorry

I've been neglectful and shit; sorry I haven't been commenting etc. I wish you all the best of luck and all the strength you need. Ive just been too distracted to remind you all of that ;) encouragement is what gets some people through the day, I know. I've had a good weekend, but feeling shit now. Cut worse than I have in a month or so, and not just because I'm fat but because I'm still not who I want to be, because I had a deep conversation with a friend last night and now regret opening up to her like that and because I haven't done my overdue French hw. On the bright side, I found that a needle or a safety pin makes me bleed much easier than my favourite knife. Plus, it's never been in contact with meat, which I only thought of now. I mean, all the knives in the house are washed of course but it's a perk anyway. It's also good for making words. Its kinda sick really, now that I'm writing it down. Makes sense at the time. Might not post for a while. Hope you all get where you want to be. Don't worry about me anyway, I'm fine. You are all perfect and again, I wish you all the luck, strength and joy in the world. I know it sounds like I'm saying goodbye; I'm not, it's ok, I'm not dying. ;)

fifteenth of june

Went into school today after two days off. It wasn't so bad but I ache all over. I had cornflakes, a cereal bar and a small portion of veggie lasagne with lettuce. I won't have anything more tonight. I look so incredibly fat today :( at my youth club, we are doing manhunt tonight, so basically running round in the woods. I have to wear my converse if I'm running and they make my legs look absolutely awful! I'm actually crying now because I don't want to leave the house looking like this. Ugh, I'm disgusting. I think I might end up cutting tonight again. At least it's the weekend. Also, my cats been losing weight (lucky bitch) and we took her to the vet quite a few times for blood tests etc. As it turns out, she's showing early symptoms of cat anorexia. Wow. Crazy, right?

sick

So I've been ill most of half term and it's gotten real bad since Monday. I had yesterday off and after much tears I'm at home today as well. I won't have anymore time off school this year as my attendance is down to about 93% God forbid. Anyway, I've got a drama essay to do and preparation for an English controlled assessment. Bleh! Oh well, hopefully my head will stop pounding and I won't feel so bloated once I get a little sleep. It's like nothing I eat is sitting right. It's hard to explain, like its not settling as usual. Also, I had a glass of milk yesterday (for the protein) and for some reason it keeps popping into my head. It feels like its still in my stomach and I'm just seeing it, it's freaky. I think I must be hungry now. My stomach is growling but the thought of food right now is disgusting. Oh well, if nothing else I can sit and try and hear myself get thinner. Stay strong, pass the tissues, and much love to everyone. Ps. I was sitting up in bed looking at some thinspo when I thought to myself: do I want to lose weight, or do I want to lose fat? At first the answer is obvious- I want to lose fat, be less jiggly and more beautiful and delicate. But then I remembered the mornings when I would frantically stare at the number, willing it to go down; taking off bracelets, my watch, things that weighed a few grams; anything from using the loo to hair drying my body, becaus water's heavy and just in case and trying to get all the air out of my lungs because it weighs. And 9 times out of 10, it doesn't make any difference. So I suppose in some ways I am a slave to the number, and maybe that means I do have a problem after all, because lord knows I do eat. I would never get away with completely starving myself but perhaps the mindset is what makes all the difference. That was all a bit long, haha. I'd be interested to hear anyone else's take on it.

ninth of june

Okay so it's Saturday and tomorrow is the last day of the holidays :( its not quite hit me yet but it will tomorrow evening and I'll be panicking. At least it's on,y 5 weeks until summer holidays. This week has gone so fast. I've not been out with my friends at all although they slept over round here on weds because my dad was away. We pulled an all-nighter and watched PA3 which didn't scare me like I thought it would. I think the fact that they named the demon Toby made it seem too human to be scary. I mean I know it's meant to be freaky but I can't help thinking aww Toby... He just wants someone to love him. Even though that's a lie and he just wants to wreak havoc and posess the family. I've been sitting at home, mastering the French knot and other stitches, just generally being crafty. I finished a book and put up a shelf. My room is beautifully tidy now and I've hung up paper chains and origami birds so now it looks really pretty. Ikea with my mum today, we got subway and I had veggie delite which was about 270 and then we walked around the store and I got an ofelia, two korkens and a flaten. Haha! Hope you all had a nice week and stay strong :) Ps. 108.4 lbs today, I'm getting there.

fifth of june

I think my scales have been lying to me. The other day, I was at 109.4 which was an improvement as I was recovering from the three week binge. Yesterday it was 108.2 and I snacked quite a lot. But today, it's 107.8. I don't know whether to be elated or dubious. Anyway, I'm so tired,move been staying awake until 1 and sleeping until 11 and it really screws with my life. Plus I'm starting to get that sinking feeling again because it's Wednesday now and I've not got that much longer until school. Anyway, hope you're all okay. :)

third of june

So today, things are gonna be better, as I promised. My family made a cooked breakfast so I had to have some of that but it wasn't a massive portion. I suppose some things can't really be avoided plus I'm feeling like shit, there's a cold going round. Apart from that, I've had no solid food. Just lots of coffee. I doubt I'm going to sleep well tonight. Lol.

Today is the first day of the holidays :) its only a week and it's gonna go so fast, but after that it's five weeks of school and then the summer hols! Today, I've lazed around and eaten a lot of biscuits (and its only 2 o'clock), but I've decided to reinvent myself, just a little, and today is the last day of the continuous binge that's been going on for weeks now. I managed to reign it in this week but I'm still snacking. So today I'm getting it out of my system and after that, no more. I'm going to tidy my tip of a room later so I can start tomorrow morning with a beautiful bedroom. Haha! Tomorrow: 2 crackers and fruit tea for breakfast, coffee for lunch and half of whatever's served for dinner. Now that it's up here I don't think I will binge. Life has to start better, I have to get thinner or else theres just no hope.