sick

So I've been ill most of half term and it's gotten real bad since Monday. I had yesterday off and after much tears I'm at home today as well. I won't have anymore time off school this year as my attendance is down to about 93% God forbid. Anyway, I've got a drama essay to do and preparation for an English controlled assessment. Bleh! Oh well, hopefully my head will stop pounding and I won't feel so bloated once I get a little sleep. It's like nothing I eat is sitting right. It's hard to explain, like its not settling as usual. Also, I had a glass of milk yesterday (for the protein) and for some reason it keeps popping into my head. It feels like its still in my stomach and I'm just seeing it, it's freaky. I think I must be hungry now. My stomach is growling but the thought of food right now is disgusting. Oh well, if nothing else I can sit and try and hear myself get thinner. Stay strong, pass the tissues, and much love to everyone. Ps. I was sitting up in bed looking at some thinspo when I thought to myself: do I want to lose weight, or do I want to lose fat? At first the answer is obvious- I want to lose fat, be less jiggly and more beautiful and delicate. But then I remembered the mornings when I would frantically stare at the number, willing it to go down; taking off bracelets, my watch, things that weighed a few grams; anything from using the loo to hair drying my body, becaus water's heavy and just in case and trying to get all the air out of my lungs because it weighs. And 9 times out of 10, it doesn't make any difference. So I suppose in some ways I am a slave to the number, and maybe that means I do have a problem after all, because lord knows I do eat. I would never get away with completely starving myself but perhaps the mindset is what makes all the difference. That was all a bit long, haha. I'd be interested to hear anyone else's take on it.