I've gotten so fat I can hardly bear to look at myself. I just want to self destruct. I want cut myself to ribbons and smash my skull and do anything to hurt myself. and cry too. It's just becoming hard to imagine ever getting back to where I was. Fuck.

Hopeless

Been home sick this week, ate a lot, cut a lot. Just hating everything, really. I'm always going to be a useless, fat lump of good-for-nothing. It just feels futile. I'm daydreaming about being so very thin. One day, Maybe it will happen. But for now, I'm fat and I can't do anything right,

Plans

So he's what happened today. My group of friends wanted to go and see a film in the morning, so I went along but after I paid for my ticket I started to feel really depressed. I mean, enough that I couldn't hide it from them which is pretty rare. I knew that I wanted to be anywhere but there so I made an excuse and left. But instead of taking the bus back, I went into the loos and started cutting. I had my razor blade in my bag just I'm case and I'm glad I had it. I cut pretty deep into my arm and I could see white and pink stuff for a minute before the blood came. And when it did, I tried to wash it away in the sinks, but there was just watered down blood everywhere and a few people started to look. Anyway, I slapped a plaster on it and haven't looked since. My mum came to pick me up because I told her I was feeling ill. The rest of today, she's done nothing but tell me to eat. I just feel really isolated and I know bailing on my friends wasn't about to help that but I don't really know why I do anything anymore, so I can't explain that for you.
Today, I've had three pieces of chocolate and I threw some toast out of the window and told people I'd eaten it.

New things

I managed to save up £160 so I went to lakeside to buy things :) got an early start after my 8 o clock orthodontist appt and stayed out until 1. I got a  knitted black scarf, lacy blue top, a necklace, some tights, perfect fitting jeans and a men's jumper. Haha nobody cares, I know. But anyway, the other thing I got which I'm most pleased with is a set of four disposable razors with four blades in each. £3 for the whole set as well which is pretty amazing as I'm set for the next millennia as far as cutting utensils goes. So I spent some of the afternoon melting open these razors to get at the metal. They're so sharp, I managed to cut open a good few millimetres on my leg without any effort at all. It's kinda sick in a way but I love it.
Also, I didn't eat apart from dinner which was chilli and I left two thirds of it under the pretence of it being too hot. Plus coffee. Always plus coffee.
Hope everybody's doing well, have a nice weekend!

Good news!

Not much time to blog right now but 110.8OMGGG!!!!! And it's after breakfast (200 cals but not having any other food today so it's ok)
In other news dads still being an arse and we have to go out as a family tomorrow. I hate few things more than family outings
Still, 110.8! Yay!

Sorry again

I've been missing off of blogger for ages, I know. Nothing much to report. It's half eleven at night, right now. I've been sleeping a lot and shaking now and again. Eating has been ok, a fairly steady and predictable pattern of a few mouthfuls of cereal, sometimes some grapes for lunch, one or two coffees and dinner. I've been staying off of counting calories and, although it seems like such a lot of food when I list it all, it's as little as I can do while everyone's on my back. My mother is constantly reminding me about eating more and saying that I haven't given her a leg to stand on when it comes to defending me to pushy teachers. Also my dads back and it's he'll. He's an arrogant git and a nuisance. I know, of course, it isn't healthy to say those things about my father and yes I love him really because he's family. But god. can we send him back to Australia? Anyway, my family relationships aren't exactly the most disturbing or unhealthy thing on this blog are they? Which brings me onto my last bit of news, I managed to nick one of my mum's replacement scalpel blades. I was considering stealing her new and very sharp filleting knife, wondering whether or not she would suspect me. By chance, I was using the scalpel to cut some paper. Isn't it lovely when everything just falls into place? It cuts much deeper than my knife and is easier to hide (in my mini sewing kit) ;)
Swimming at school on Monday, which I can't get out of since I faked a cold last week. Fucking PE is degrading enough but this... Well depending on how things pan out, it could be the end of my little secret and the beginning of counselling sessions and such. I know K looks at me when we're changing, and I can only hope it's because she suspects me, rather than anything more creepy. Probably so she can go and squeal to the teachers. Ok I know it's not fair to criticise someone for telling an adult of they're trying to help, but it's not that with her. She relishes it, spends all her time in the office just chatting to the nitch, mrs G. And when weld see her, she all K talks about. It drives me mad. Sorry, I'm ranting and I shouldn't. As you can tell, I'm not best pleased with anyone at the moment, but I'll go into more detail on that another time.
Weight has gone down finally from 15 to 13. There is hope.

Bad start

Today was the first day back at school and it sucked. Aside from lessons being awful I've realised that there is no way I can get out of eating. I could maybe handle having breakfast everyday since my mum watches, if I could cut back on anything else. But now I actually have to have lunch too. A little dish of pasta, cereal bar and a yoghurt which, even though I can miss out the latter two is still too much. And I have Em, who not only has nobody else to eat with, but suspected me previously of under eating. She's doing really well in recovery so I don't want to set her off again. Also she most likely knows all the tricks. K never has lunch with us anymore which is annoying because it means that I can't leave Em on her own. (don't get me wrong it's not that I don't enjoy being around her it's just that I don't want to have to eat) unless I can find a way of getting around it, I'll just have to deal with teachers on my back. It seems a shame because my mother was so sure that I was fine and I hate to make her feel foolish after fighting for them to stop bothering me. Now she keeps commenting on me not eating enough. Now schools started she says she wants me to try and do three meals a day. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Hope you're all in a better position!

New Layout

I changed the layout, hope you don't mind ;) It looks a little dark, idk but the old one was a bit... cutesy. Like, in a rainbows and cupcakes and sprinkles kind of way. I actually think the fish bones are adorable (I got some silver dangly fish skeleton earrings yesterday) haha. Yesterday I had a long walk around a shopping centre with a friend and her gf. Stayed over and they didn't make me eat anything which was cool. Zero cals the whole day :) I'm used to my other friends noticing when I don't eat, especially since one of them knows some of the story. Its nice that they don't take it too seriously though; they joke about me never eating which is a good sign that they aren't worried and a little reminder to be the person I want to be. Among other things, to them I'm the girl who doesn't eat. It's pretty funny in a way. Of course I do eat and I always say so. The last few days have been binge free. Also, my parents have decided to give my bro's allowance to me now that he's got a job and he gave me his old camera now that he has his fancy new one. I just need to buy a lens off ebay. I'm done with summer now, bring on the lovely cold weather! Going back to school soon though :( Homework, classmates and worst of all- eating lunch. I dunno how I'm going to get around that.
Oh well.

Braces

Hey everyone, hows it going? Hope youre all doing well. Sunday, I went to Summer in the City with a friend and got to meet TomSka which was awesome even though I already met him at MCM (btw I'm a nerd) he was very cool and gave everyone a hug. It rained really heavily for ten minutes and there were some really skinny girls there which made me feel pretty bad. I ended up bingeing. Tuesday, me and three friends went on a spur of the moment trip to Thorpe Park (a theme park for anyone who doesn't know) and I had a cracker and nothing else which was awesome. Minor binge on Wednesday. Yesterday was a good day and I also met up with a friend and I bought the most awesome tweed-elbow-patch-doctor-who blazer from H&M after my orthodontist appointment. It's ten past seven in the morning now and im getting braces in just under an hour. Booh :( but I suppose my teeth will be straight which is good. Also I just wanted to remind anyone that my iPad has some kind of fault that won't let me type comments or replies to comments but I'm working on fixing it. I might start using my laptop in the near future anyway and hope my parents don't see. Lol.

Fail. Faaaaail. Failfailfail.

Just got back from my nan's three and a half hours plus traffic. No more pear cider, giant cookies and takeaway. I'm afraid to weigh because I'm so fat right now. My legs are okay ish. Thighs Idek and my stomach which was getting better now look pregnant. Fucking hell. And my periods back. Anyone got any clue about this? It started when I visited my nan up north and it carried on for a few months and went away. Now its back for the first time, I got it the day after I got there. What the hell? Maybe it's the air. Hope you're all ok, gonna go take a much needed shower.

Idontevenknowwhatdayitis

Hi guys, I just want to say that my iPad is being weird and won't let me comment or reply to comments but to the lovely commenters, thanks and I hope you're all doing well. Stupid technology. Idek.

I'm going up north to Lancashire to visit my nan today. It's just going to be me and my mum (and my nan obviously) as my dad's working and my bro just got a new job and can't ask for time off. He's earning £50 a day by the way which is pretty amazing as he's 17 and it's more than twice minimum wage. Anyway he lives at home so it's not going on rent or anything; he's saving up for a new camera and he also has a surprise for me apparently. Aww <3 my bros great but very loud (hes my polar opposite including the fact that he eats tons of crap and stays thin as a rake) and so I'm looking forward to peace and quiet this week. And it will be doubly quiet where my nan lives too.

Anyway, onto the important stuff. I binged pretty bad yesterday. Crackers, 3 fucking club bars, strawberries, cream, and leek and and potato soup. But weirdly I don't feel that awful. It was kind of like I'd been doing so well lately (even though  didn't lose) it was to be expected and I kind of welcomed it. Now I can get back to restricting.

Good luck everyone x and have a great week!

What the hell?

I've not binged these past few days and I've not lost any weight :( well, I weighed yesterday (I think? I'm losing track of time now) and I'm still at 114 and it sucks! I'm living off of crackers, coffee and soup, also anyone looking to stop bingeing, go out and buy a copy of The Sims 3. It's so addictive I forget to eat. I've been a simmer since I was small and now my laptop is fixed I'm doing little else. Yeah it's not healthy but neither is restricting, so....
Anyway I went to the dentist yesterday and he numbed my mouth with like fortytwo fucking needles and now my lip is swollen where I chewed it in my sleep. I can't abide going to the dentist. It's just wrong, sitting there with your head practically in some strangers lap while they put their hands in your mouth?! Maybe I'm just being neurotic. Idk. Still, as dentists go mines pretty good; he sings and tells me about the stupid things he's done like giving himself a black eye at the gym.
Here's some thinspo that was already on this blog. Stupid iPad compatibility issues. Haha, I'm working on it honestly :)

So yeah, fun times. I've now got a very attractive swollen lip :/ wooh.

Eurgh...

Hi everyone sorry I've been so nonexistent lately :( I didn't sleep last night, gave up trying at around four in the morning and played sims instead. Fucking addictive. Anyway I've been up something like 36 hours and I've had two crackers, a smallish portion of veggie stir fry with no sauce and a chocolate eclair. Yuck. Also a shit load of coffee. I've switched to decaf so that I can save regular for emergencies like this morning when I desperately needed to be awake. I'm so stupid I drank decaf by mistake. I'm not sure if what I'm typing makes sense either. Haha. I'm trying to proofread, honestly I am but the words aren't cooperating. I must be tired. Ha.
I binged three days ago, like serious bingeing and I'm at 114 lbs. incidentally I'm apparently the same height and weight as Megan fox but idk if thats current, I just came across it on google. She's all muscle anyway and I'm just a big fat pile of useless flabby lard. With big feet. Yeah.
Anyway, just wanted to catch up, nothing much else to say apart from hope youre all doing well and feeling good. I'm still reading blogs even when I'm not commenting or updating anyway. Goodnight. X

almost summer!

It seems I do more bingeing and starting afresh than actual weight loss. Today was good-ish. Crackers, lots of coffee, salad and strawberries with perhaps too much cream and sugar. The past few days were horrid. Yesterday I had four cookies (almost 1000 cals!) plus normal intake. Ive been too afraid to weigh myself since a week or so ago. Around 110 lbs. considering anywhere over 109 makes me Antic like hell, I've been quite good about it. Ive just tried to pretend it never happened, but it's so hard with all this disgusting fat hanging off my body. I've gotten kindof close to another girl in my class who's been borrowing my phone to sort out stuff with her ex etc. I had a peek at the texts when I got home (as anyone would. I know it's wrong but I was curious and she could have erased them if she wanted)and discovered that she also self harms. It made sense in a way. I don't think I would've suspected but if I had to pick someone in my class who I thought might then it would be her. I really want to talk to her about it and maybe offer support or just let her know that she isn't alone and that she can talk about it. But I don't know how to bring it up without embarrassing her or letting her know I saw the texts. She might not trust me if she knew I read them. Had drama all week instead of lessons which was great :). And I've only got three more days of school untill the summer. Woo! I promise to have control this summer. Without school I know I won't be having lunch and not being in that routine means I won't snack mindlessly so much. Hope you're all doing okay. Ps. I changed my name. Was wondering how to do that for a while.

Looking up

Things have been good the past few days :) my mother bought be sme new watercolours and they're great. I was always shit at painting but I think I've either improved or it was because all I had were some crayons poster paints from when I was a toddler. The results have been pretty good, for me anyway. They aren't great by artist standards, but oh well. My psychology teacher (for next year, anyway) asked me to help her with her wall display so I've had the chance to get captive and hopefully get on her good side. I'm no brown noser but it never hurts to nurture a positive teacher student relationship, eh? Ahem. I've pretty much not snacked at all because I've been painting and drinking coffee and hot chocolate. I know they have calories but it's a start. School is... Meh. (rant coming up) I've come to realise the extent to which I'm a wallflower in my school. So Im not exactly an extrovert but I never thought anyone could actually forget that I'm sitting right next to them. Long story short, one girl was convinced that I'd gone home hours ago until I tapped her on the shoulder. I'm not even joking, we talked not five minutes before. This was after our group performance at the school arts evening last night. They went ahead and changed the whole piece without bothering to tell me. Of course I only found out half way in when they started playing a completely different song and I just had to sit there like a retard in front of everyone. And people walk away when I'm in the middle of talking to them. Just mid-sentence. I mean, yeah it's great that no one notices when I skip batting in PE, but sometimes it's such a pain to be completely invisible. And I hate cliches. Still, I suppose I don't mind so much. I'm comfortable under my rock, it's safe and I don't have to deal with people. My mums been nagging me all day to go out and see people. Oh well. *sigh* despite how it sounds, I'm actually really happy. Because every moment I'm feeling miserable, I'm still burning calories. When things are shit, I just think how those girls would react if they saw me ten pounds lighter after the summer. Or whether they would feel guilty if I was hospitalised. And no, I DON'T want that- tubes and wires, hospital food, no exercise, homesickness and how devastated my friends and family would be. But after all, I think I'm starting to grasp why I am the way I am. Of course I wish I was thinner but more than that, this gives me justification. Maybe it's twisted, I don't know, but in a way it's perspective. Self harm and self loathing, trying to starve myself thin is like an excuse to be as fucked up as I am. It's as if whatever happens I can still say to myself, well would they judge me if they knew? I don't want to hurt people but I still love my secret weapon more than anything. It's like a meaning. Not the meaning of life, but it's something. In a few years I have no idea where I'm going to be. But I know I want to be- will be- thinner. Everything else can just fall into place. Sorry for the long, depressing post. Hope you are all ok, stay strong as always.

third of july

Yesterday was a success! Today, not s much... Anyway I'd rather just think about yesterday. I had cereal for breakfast, an oat bar (90 cals) and an omelette with brown bread. Binged today but I'm going to reign it in. My stomach has definitely shrunk. Not the flab, the actual maximum capacity of my stomach. When I eat a regular sized meal, I feel very full and sick. Maybe Its psychological. Oh well.

Sorry

I've been neglectful and shit; sorry I haven't been commenting etc. I wish you all the best of luck and all the strength you need. Ive just been too distracted to remind you all of that ;) encouragement is what gets some people through the day, I know. I've had a good weekend, but feeling shit now. Cut worse than I have in a month or so, and not just because I'm fat but because I'm still not who I want to be, because I had a deep conversation with a friend last night and now regret opening up to her like that and because I haven't done my overdue French hw. On the bright side, I found that a needle or a safety pin makes me bleed much easier than my favourite knife. Plus, it's never been in contact with meat, which I only thought of now. I mean, all the knives in the house are washed of course but it's a perk anyway. It's also good for making words. Its kinda sick really, now that I'm writing it down. Makes sense at the time. Might not post for a while. Hope you all get where you want to be. Don't worry about me anyway, I'm fine. You are all perfect and again, I wish you all the luck, strength and joy in the world. I know it sounds like I'm saying goodbye; I'm not, it's ok, I'm not dying. ;)

fifteenth of june

Went into school today after two days off. It wasn't so bad but I ache all over. I had cornflakes, a cereal bar and a small portion of veggie lasagne with lettuce. I won't have anything more tonight. I look so incredibly fat today :( at my youth club, we are doing manhunt tonight, so basically running round in the woods. I have to wear my converse if I'm running and they make my legs look absolutely awful! I'm actually crying now because I don't want to leave the house looking like this. Ugh, I'm disgusting. I think I might end up cutting tonight again. At least it's the weekend. Also, my cats been losing weight (lucky bitch) and we took her to the vet quite a few times for blood tests etc. As it turns out, she's showing early symptoms of cat anorexia. Wow. Crazy, right?

sick

So I've been ill most of half term and it's gotten real bad since Monday. I had yesterday off and after much tears I'm at home today as well. I won't have anymore time off school this year as my attendance is down to about 93% God forbid. Anyway, I've got a drama essay to do and preparation for an English controlled assessment. Bleh! Oh well, hopefully my head will stop pounding and I won't feel so bloated once I get a little sleep. It's like nothing I eat is sitting right. It's hard to explain, like its not settling as usual. Also, I had a glass of milk yesterday (for the protein) and for some reason it keeps popping into my head. It feels like its still in my stomach and I'm just seeing it, it's freaky. I think I must be hungry now. My stomach is growling but the thought of food right now is disgusting. Oh well, if nothing else I can sit and try and hear myself get thinner. Stay strong, pass the tissues, and much love to everyone. Ps. I was sitting up in bed looking at some thinspo when I thought to myself: do I want to lose weight, or do I want to lose fat? At first the answer is obvious- I want to lose fat, be less jiggly and more beautiful and delicate. But then I remembered the mornings when I would frantically stare at the number, willing it to go down; taking off bracelets, my watch, things that weighed a few grams; anything from using the loo to hair drying my body, becaus water's heavy and just in case and trying to get all the air out of my lungs because it weighs. And 9 times out of 10, it doesn't make any difference. So I suppose in some ways I am a slave to the number, and maybe that means I do have a problem after all, because lord knows I do eat. I would never get away with completely starving myself but perhaps the mindset is what makes all the difference. That was all a bit long, haha. I'd be interested to hear anyone else's take on it.

ninth of june

Okay so it's Saturday and tomorrow is the last day of the holidays :( its not quite hit me yet but it will tomorrow evening and I'll be panicking. At least it's on,y 5 weeks until summer holidays. This week has gone so fast. I've not been out with my friends at all although they slept over round here on weds because my dad was away. We pulled an all-nighter and watched PA3 which didn't scare me like I thought it would. I think the fact that they named the demon Toby made it seem too human to be scary. I mean I know it's meant to be freaky but I can't help thinking aww Toby... He just wants someone to love him. Even though that's a lie and he just wants to wreak havoc and posess the family. I've been sitting at home, mastering the French knot and other stitches, just generally being crafty. I finished a book and put up a shelf. My room is beautifully tidy now and I've hung up paper chains and origami birds so now it looks really pretty. Ikea with my mum today, we got subway and I had veggie delite which was about 270 and then we walked around the store and I got an ofelia, two korkens and a flaten. Haha! Hope you all had a nice week and stay strong :) Ps. 108.4 lbs today, I'm getting there.