fatfatfatfat fucking fat bitch

AM Wow, I made it without eating :) And I was astounded by how much food there was. JJ's mum is an absolute domestic goddess. She sews and crochets and makes curtains and pillows, always organised. And she has time for a job. They have Christmas planned by July- we leave everything until the week before. And they have so much FOOD! An amazing amount of food. I'd just love to organize their kitchen, haha! We slept in the cabin at the end of the garden and she brought us out a massive bowl of popcorn, a whole pack of dark chocolate digestives (my biggest weakness), a multipack of walkers and a tub of celebrations. And I didn't eat any of it. :) Of course my friends noticed but they seemed to take it quite lightly and eventually stopped offering me food. I skipped breakfast too. M did tell me to eat something and wouldn't believe that I'd have breakfast at home. But he knows I'm fine.

PM Aaaaand then my whole world turns to shit. Because of an Easter egg. I ate the whole thing! I just couldn't stop! I have absolutely no self control. ARGH! 526 cals. Plus three of those mini bags of maltesers at 98 cals each. And some crackers too. I was so upset and angry and guilty and I wanted so badly to throw up but I know I can't. I've tried a few times before and it just doesn't work. So I went for a run. About 2 hours in total and then another 2 hours walking later in the evening. I still feel full. It's the most horrible feeling. I won't be counting my cals today. I know I've failed. And I told M about it and as per usual he's going on and on trying to console me and tell me I'm fine as I am. It's horrible because it makes me feel so guilty and I know it's a pack of lies. I know it always ends up like that when I tell him about my problems but I need someone to confide in. Anyway, he doesn't need all my shit. Also it's just come to light that my kindof boyfriend might fancy my friend. Well, his friend too. Basically we're a circle of friends about 6 of us. Anyway i knew it was inevitable and I'm not really upset or anything. She's nicer and prettier than me. And she has blue eyes and fair skin and rosy cheeks and small dainty feet. I've been prepared for a long time.
Wow this is a long post. Haha. I'm gonna go and have a hot chocolate and maybe cut again tonight. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.