looking up

For the first time in far too long, I've had a good day. That is to say, a relatively binge-free day. I haven't counted in case I jinx it, but I didnt come home and immediately start looking for food. And I spent a good few hours traipsing around shops after school, in the heat. Haha. It's starting to look like there's hope. I've been feeling so incredibly fat for ages, and not without good reason as I'm still probably somewhere around 109 lbs. I can't weigh in yet, I'll get spooked like a horse. I cut again last night. I think part of what makes me do it is because of the feeling of accomplishment I get afterwards. It's as if I've actually made a difference even though it's not productive or anything. But they weren't that deep anyway. I just think its really funny that my upper arm looks like it has gills (10 lines, one for each pound I need to lose). It makes me giggle. Sorry for the lack of posts and comments; I've been to depressed to string words together. Also, I can't upload any thinspo pics from my iPad, will try and figure out how sharpish. Love and strength to everyone, thanks for reading and for your wonderful support.

'who am I?'

So, I wrote a poem, it's more of a riddle but quite easy, or at least I think so. This is more a draft anyway. Cold and hard and flat, I gleam for those who love themselves, And cloud for those who love others. I tell no lie For is it not better to speak the hard-hearted truth Than to suffocate in the warm folds of delusion and vanity? I have no image of my self to present to you, But look upon your own face and answer me: Who am I? Not sure if it relates to anything or whatever, I just came up with it and thought I'd share.

fuck my life

Ive been bingeing these past two weeks and gained 3 pounds. I hate myself; every time I say I will be better and have a fresh start, it goes to shit! But I'm posting it here so I will stick to it. Starting tomorrow, I will not slip, not once. Short post again, sorry. Gotta go. Will update tomorrow.

computer issues

Sorry, I've not been posting. My computer's on the fritz again :( might be for a couple of days. Have been mildly bingeing for the past week or so, will do better as of tomorrow. I've officially eaten all the yummy things in my house now. Tomorrow will be perfect or else. Sorry for the short post, gotta go.

third of may

I can't say I'm a fan of May. I don't really like the number five or writing it. Back at 106 lbs exactly as of this morning. :) And I'm going to ruin it because I promised M 500 cals or more. He's the only person I can't say no to or lie to. He and R, my kindof bf, haven't been getting on at all. They always bickered a little but they had a massive row last night over nothing.
Nothing really happened today, apart from 800 metres in PE (my time was 4:49) and Em's a bit better. She's been quite giggly and chatty (compared to recently anyway) for the past few days which is great. And I know I'm a hypocrite because I want so badly for her to get well again, while at the same time, I'm heading down the same path she did. It's really not intentional, or at least it didn't start that way. What I'm trying to say is I'm not claiming to be anorexic, as I mentioned a while ago, neither am I trying to be or would I wish that on anyone else; it's am awful illness and anyone with it deserves all the love and support out there. I know it says pro-ana in the description but it's only a warning for anyone who would interpret this in that way. And all I want for myself is to be thin, really. I don't want attention or pity like some people might think.

WhatI'veEatenToday
Breakfast:
Special K- 100 cals
Lunch:
Couscous-100 cals
Cereal bar- 125
Dinner:
Tomato soup- 118
Total:
443
Almost 500.
ps. No thinspo as my laptop has erased itself somehow for no reason, including thinspo homework and all my photos. :'(

feeling fucking fat

I gained one pound after a massive emotional binge a few days ago, involving staying up untill 2 am crying and talking to my best friend over Pingchat. He told me he fancies me and I told him I'm an ugly bitch and I need to get my head together. I think it could have gone worse. I do wish he'd get a better friend though; I'm slowly ruining his life and he's only ever been an amzing friend to me. Isn't life just a bitch?
Anyway, I feel fatter than ever today, although hopefully at least some of it is just water retention or something like that. I haven't weighed myself yet. Eating-wise I've done well so far and hope to carry on tomorrow. My motivation for today is the word DONT written on the back of my hand and feeling my ribs through my thick school jumper. I've now got two more friends, KT and S, on my back about how thin I've apparently gotten. And its annoying because I'm fatter than I've been in ages. Only now I look a little sick and blotchy. At least I can see my ribs, and I can see my spine through my jumper. Haha! My eyes look a little bit sunken maybe. I think I'm starting to see it. Well, I can feel my cheekbones and my eye sockets but I don't know if thats new or not. My legs are still so incredibly fat and pudgy. Blech!

WhatI'veEaten
Breakfast:
Special K- 100 cals
Lunch:
Pasta with pesto- 150 cals
Dinner:
Couscous- 90 cals
Snacks/Binges:
Total:
340 cals