sorry

Sorry I've not posted in a while; my heads in a bit of a weird place. Been eating moderately. At 106.4 lbs. Hope to do better. Starting tomorrow, 100 percent control. I promise.

cornered

My head of Key Stage pulled me in to have a go at me. Apparently Em and K have been reporting me for God knows how long and each time, she's phoned my parents. Not that anyone thought to tell me before now. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that Em and K are just trying to look out for me, but can't I just make my own descisions anymore? If I don't want to eat, why should I have to? Anyway, it looks like I'm going to have to start having lunch, or at least appear to. I'm being slowly cornered by everyone around me. Even my friend in another class pulled me off for a heart-to-heart about how I've not been myself lately. They're trying to box me in and make me eat and the more I think about it, the more I want to refuse. As well as that, I'm just so mad at myself for thinking I'd gotten away with it so far. Argh! I should have realised they were all conspiring against me right from the start.
Anyway, Miss told me I'd lost weight and my eyes looked sunken in or something. The funny thing is I took it as a compliment. I've not lost weight though; I'm stuck at 106.8 lbs. It's so frustrating! If I eat, I'll gain but if I restrict the best I can hope for is to maintain. And starving isn't an option- not with everyone watching me and waiting for me to slip. My mum takes it all as a bit of a joke, which I'm thankful for- she suspects nothing, although if I'm not well again by the end of the week, she's going to take me to a doctor. I'm half wondering if I should (and whether I have the control to) stop eating altogether. Maybe they'd put me in a horrid clinic or a nuthouse where nobody would bother me... Apart from doctors. I hate doctors. Maybe my class would make me a birthday card and send it in and I could prop it up by my hospital bed while I waste away, all punctured with needles and drips. Yuck.
I hate to upset Em and I wish I could reassure her that I'm okay but I know she won't listen. It's not fair to do this to her. But if I eat I'm miserable and if I don't eat they're miserable which makes me miserable too. It just seems like I spend so much of my time trying to please people, that just maybe I could have this one little thing for myself?
Sorry for the rant.

twentyfourth of april

Had a bit of a nap during lunch today. Had loads of people tell me I look really rough and my mum wants me to start eating meat, which I'm against. It's a moral thing, although I'm sure I'd put on weight if I did start eating dead animals. My mum's bought a box of 12 Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Why?! I promise I won't eat any. I'm going to post this unfinished and update after dinner so I can't go back on it.
*Edit* I didn't eat the doughnut! Yay :) And what with my brother's friends coming over throughout the week, they should all be gone soon anyway. Can't believe how many calories are in pasta! Anyway, today's been a thin day so far. I'm feeling like shit but at the same time, I feel really good.

AllI'veEaten

Breakfast:
Special K- 90 cals
Lunch:
Nothing
Dinner:
About half a plate of pasta with pesto sauce 265 cals
Snacks/Binges:
1 hot chocolate -55 cals (the brand I use turns out to be much lower than I thought before. Woop!)

Total:
410 cals
Not too bad :)
Instead of thinspo today, I thought I'd post some personal motivation. I adore clothes and fabrics and lovely prints. These items are really nice (well I think so anyway) and if I go the rest of the week without bingeing I might treat myself to one or two of them :) The white tights are gorgeous but would be hard to pull off without making my legs look massive, which serves as motivation to loose.
It's kindof hard to see. The first pair of tights have blue spots and the second pair are printed with fun cartoon cars.

ribs! and sleeping in school

I fell asleep during Chemistry today. I've a bad cold and need some sleep. When I woke up my legs were numb. The teacher took me to the office and the first thing they asked was whether I'd eaten. I had to eat more lunch than I usually would because I was being watched. Anyway I got a lift home off my mum rather than take the bus which was a plus. Despite a pounding headache and swallowing being mildly painful, I'm dead chuffed- I can see my ribs! For the first time in a while, I can see them properly. They don't really jut out but they're quite obviously there. I can't stop grinning. And seeing them stopped me from sneaking a few squares of choclate to follow up dinner.
I'm pleased with my calorie intake today; even though it's not particularly low, I seemed to be on a cycle of eating very little and bingeing the following day (as mentioned before). So considering yesterday was a good day, today had the potential to be a bad one. If tomorrow is a good day, that will be a massive encouragement. Thanks to everyone! Stay strong :)

MealsAndSuchThings...

Breakfast:
Half bowl of Special K- 50 cals

Lunch:
Half of a wholemeal roll- 72 cals
Raisins- 80 cals

Dinner:
Quorn chicken korma- 140 cals (the info for this was really inconsistant but calorie-data.com has it as 140 cals per 100g portion.)

Snacks/Binges:
1 hot chocolate- 90 cals
2 crackers- 50 cals

Total:
485 cals
Quite good, considering today could've potentially been a disaster. The cycle is broken!
*I've had to make loads of edits. See what sleep deprivation does to me?*

twentysecond of april

*I meant to post this last night but I fell asleep*
Today was good. I've been outside and on my feet from half past 10 to about four o'clock and I've not binged either. I ate a little more than I could have but, like I said, I've been on my feet all day.
I also stepped on a nail sticking out of a piece of wood and it went through my shoe and stabbed me in the foot. Ow :( I might need a tetanus. Eurrrghhhh.

ModerationIsWorking

Breakfast:
2 crackers- 66 cals
1 banana- 90 cals

Dinner:
Quorn burger and salad- 163 cals

Snacks/Binges:
2 crackers- 50 cals
1 apple- 50 cals

Total:
319 cals

TodayWillBeBetter...

fatfatfatfat fucking fat bitch

AM Wow, I made it without eating :) And I was astounded by how much food there was. JJ's mum is an absolute domestic goddess. She sews and crochets and makes curtains and pillows, always organised. And she has time for a job. They have Christmas planned by July- we leave everything until the week before. And they have so much FOOD! An amazing amount of food. I'd just love to organize their kitchen, haha! We slept in the cabin at the end of the garden and she brought us out a massive bowl of popcorn, a whole pack of dark chocolate digestives (my biggest weakness), a multipack of walkers and a tub of celebrations. And I didn't eat any of it. :) Of course my friends noticed but they seemed to take it quite lightly and eventually stopped offering me food. I skipped breakfast too. M did tell me to eat something and wouldn't believe that I'd have breakfast at home. But he knows I'm fine.

PM Aaaaand then my whole world turns to shit. Because of an Easter egg. I ate the whole thing! I just couldn't stop! I have absolutely no self control. ARGH! 526 cals. Plus three of those mini bags of maltesers at 98 cals each. And some crackers too. I was so upset and angry and guilty and I wanted so badly to throw up but I know I can't. I've tried a few times before and it just doesn't work. So I went for a run. About 2 hours in total and then another 2 hours walking later in the evening. I still feel full. It's the most horrible feeling. I won't be counting my cals today. I know I've failed. And I told M about it and as per usual he's going on and on trying to console me and tell me I'm fine as I am. It's horrible because it makes me feel so guilty and I know it's a pack of lies. I know it always ends up like that when I tell him about my problems but I need someone to confide in. Anyway, he doesn't need all my shit. Also it's just come to light that my kindof boyfriend might fancy my friend. Well, his friend too. Basically we're a circle of friends about 6 of us. Anyway i knew it was inevitable and I'm not really upset or anything. She's nicer and prettier than me. And she has blue eyes and fair skin and rosy cheeks and small dainty feet. I've been prepared for a long time.
Wow this is a long post. Haha. I'm gonna go and have a hot chocolate and maybe cut again tonight. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.

twentieth of april

Today was okay, nothing too eventful apart from an English presentation. It was on two books, Dracula and 1984, and I fluffed it. I only had to present to 26 people and I barely got through it. I started trembling and stammering and had to sit down. Ugh! I'm so pathetic! Anyway, I didn't eat too much at least. I'm staying over at a friend's tonight so I'll have to be strong to avoid the oreos that will probrably be trying to temp me.

CalorieIntakeToday

Breakfast:
Half bowl of Special K- 50 cals

Lunch:
Alpen bar- 70 cals
Activia yoghurt 125 cals

Dinner:
Heinz tomato soup- 180 cals

Total:
425 cals

nineteenth of april

Okay so I'm at 106.8 lbs as of a few days ago. I didn't want to post it in the hope that it would be temporary or because of the time of day that I weighed myself. It's been about 3 days and I've not lost any weight at all! It seems like the only way would be to run a marathon and eat nothing at all. I think people would notice. I want to be back at 106 :'( I know it's just 0.8 lbs but it's a big deal.
Anyway today's been ok. I've realised I adore food. But not eating it- organizing it. I rearranged the whole kitchen and I was absolutely amazed at how much food we own. Anyway now the fridge and all the cupboards are neat and perfect and beautiful. And the best part is my brother always eats so he makes a mess of the cupboards and I can sit and fix them everyday :) I guess it's theraputic in a way.
Also, I just wanted to say thanks to anyone who's commented and read so far, you're all lovely and your support is really great. :) Much love

IShouldn'tHaveEatenAtAll

Breakfast:
Half a bowl of Special K- 50 cals

Lunch:
1 Activia yoghurt- 125 cals
Some raisins- about 80 cals
1 Alpen bar- 70 cals

Dinner:
Quorn chicken korma- 130 cals

Snacks/Binges:
1 Alpen bar- 70 cals

Total:
525 cals
That seems really high... :( Probably thanks to the Alpen bars and the yoghurt, both of which I wouldn't normally eat. Assuming I were to have a similar dinner and skip those tomorrow, I would be at 260 which is great.

seventeenth of april

I was planning on eating nothing but I couldn't. And for the lamest reason too. Everyone around me was watching! I got away without doing too much damage but I really wish I could've done a proper fast :( I went on another hour-long walk around where I live. I love where I live- it's 10 minutes away from Dartford town centre and the schools and shops but out of my window is the most amazing view. The fields go on forever like you're in the middle of nowhere. Wow :)
Anyway heres some lovely thinspo.

FatFatFatFatFat-

Breakfast:
Half bowl of special K- 50 cals

Lunch:
Some raisins- around 80 cals

Dinner:
1 'veggie finger'- 63 cals

Snacks/Binges:
Nothing

Total:
193 cals

Tomorrow, I'll probrably eat more but I'll try and still be good. I keep getting stuck in a pattern of barely eating and bingeing alternatively; if I keep it down tomorrow, the cycle will be broken.

fast starts now

I really over-ate today. Tomorrow, I've just decided I'm going to fast. I can throw away my breakfast discreetly, maybe avoid Em and K at lunch break and avoid dinner with a faked stomach ache. This will be hard. I want to be thin so badly.
ps. Ignore time-stamps on posts, its quater to ten right now.

first day back

Hey :) Had my first day back at school today. It was ok, I guess- nothing happened anyway. Apart from PSHE, finishing up our topic of Obesity And Eating Disorders or whatever it was meant to be. They had some long speech about how if we suspect anyone isn't constantly stuffing their faces, we ought to tell an adult. Because if you have an eating disorder, a load of teachers breathing down your neck is so very comforting. Grr. Anyway, it got me thinking, I really can't tell anyone at all. Not only because it might get spread around or get back to teachers, but because it just isn't fair to burden anyone with the knowledge. If someone told me they had a problem and it was serious (or even looked like it might become serious) I would feel guilty because if I were to tell an adult, it would be betraying their trust and if I didn't then they might get worse and be in danger. And besides, adults don't always have the answer. So- what if you do the wrong thing? Is it your fault?

This is so pretty, it's like she's so light she's floating.

ThatEvilStuff

Breakfast:
Half bowl of special K- 50 cals

Lunch:
cereal bar- 145 cals (yikes!)
Raisins- about 75 cals

Dinner:
Half plate of noodles and rice- about 200 cals

Snacks/Binges:
4 Hovis biscuits- 132 cals
Hot chocolate- 80 cals

Total:
682 cals
Oh my God! So many calories! Just glad I went on an hour long walk this afternoon.

fifteenth of april

Down 0.2 lbs! exactly 106 lbs now. 2 more pounds until my goal weight; after that, will be going for 100 lbs. I probably won't be able to blog as much during term-time, so this might be goodbye for a few days anyway. I'll try to update as much as I can.
I explained my situation in an earlier post, but I really need an answer from anyone at all to this:
Basically, how can I hide my 'eating habits' from my anorexic friend? We spend lunch break together and I can only avoid eating together maybe one or two days a week. Any feedback would be muchly appreciated! Thanks.
ps. This picture is absolutely gorgeous- I'd love to have legs like that one day.

WhyI'mNotThinYet

Breakfast:
1 cracker- 33 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
2 crackers- 66 cals

Dinner:
Salad- about 70 cals
Snacks/Binges:
1 slice of Jamaican ginger cake- 80 cals

Total:
251 cals
Not bad. Tomorrow, if I can eat as little as possible, walking around all day carrying my heavy schoolbag should provide more exercise than I've been getting this week. Still wishing I could fake being ill and stay home. My attendance is so bad, the best I can get is a nap in the sick room.

aargh! school tomorrow

Today is the last day of the Easter holidays and I'm feeling deflated and a little depressed. I have a ton of homework to do as well. I'm really dreading going back to school. Brace yourselves- here's a long anecdote. I'm not fussed whether anyone reads this; it's just nice to put it all down and get it off my chest and in some kind of order as well. Haha, expecting a lot of tl;dr.

My friend Em, as I said before, is recovering from anorexia although still going through good patches and bad patches. Its actually quite funny that as I learn more and more techniques and tricks, I recognise some in her- such as literally always moving. Anyway, it works two ways so she notices if I don't eat or make an excuse to not sit down and eat at lunch time. Part of me wants to treat it as though its none of her business but she worries about me and I hate to upset her, as she's having on-and-off depression. In some ways, it's hard work being friends with her, but I don't regret it at all as she's so lovely and the sweetest girl I've met. It's not her fault anyway. My other friend, K, is the queen of unsubtelty. She frequently points out or jokes about how little she (herself) has eaten or deliberately turns the conversation to when her brother pointed out how thin she was or how Miss has been going through her lunchbox. It isn't helping Em get better. It's frankly quite pathetic that she feels she needs to compete with Em for attention. Don't get me wrong, she's bubbly and nice to talk to and I don't usually bitch about people like this. It doesn't really matter, as no one reading this knows who I am or who she is. But, the other day, out of the blue she tells me that she has to see the head of key stage. I asked why and she shows me the faint scratches on her arm and claims that she's self-harming. Maybe she is, but if so why is she boasting about it? I've only told one person about my scars- M, who doesn't go to my school but is like a big brother to me and who I would trust with my life. And I only told him because he was asking for weeks why I was so quiet and I felt guilty for keeping him in the dark. And talking of my scars, my mum had a phone call home because some girls had noticed them and reported me. She demanded to see them, so I made some more to look like cat scratches which satisfied her. She phoned school back and told them it was my cat and now the only difficulty is how awkward it will be seeing those girls again. I bet they think I'm a freak. Oh well, I am.

Anyway, I'm behind on so much schoolwork and faced with the difficulty of how not to eat. I have to have breakfast because my mum is around. Em and K will be making sure I eat lunch and I can only leave dinner for so long untill my parents call me up on it. If I eat that much, I'll get so fat! I'm trapped. Help!

thirteenth of april

I ate so much yesterday, I'm afraid to weight myself. Why can't I just fucking keep control?! I felt so full and I got so angry at myself; I wanted to eat more just to hurt myself. That was fuller than I've been in months. At least I remember how it felt and I'm not going to let it happen again. I rememebr feeling so sick- it was horrible. I'm being better today. Em's coming over at half past 2 so I have to tidy up etc. I can't let her see that I'm 'avoiding food' as my teacher puts it, or else she might freak. Still, I can't bear for her to see me so fat either. I feel really embarassed- she must think of me as her fat friend! I cut my wrist last night, as my leg needs to heal up in time for school. Believe it or not, it's more conspicuous on my leg than my wrist- it's a long story... haha...
(pm) I weighed myself! I was so nervous and just hoping it wouldn't be over 108 lbs. My weight hasn't changed- still 106.2 lbs! I'm so pleased but also wondering if my scales are broken....? My stomach just growled for the first time in ages. *sigh* ahhh, Ive missed being empty :)

FoodToday

Breakfast:
1 cracker- 33 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
Nothing

Dinner:
1 slice of pizza- 200 cals
2 slices of garlic bread- 106 cals
Snacks/Binges:
Nothing
Total:
341 cals

More than I'd like really- there are so many calories is pizza! Still, I sometimes forget that for some people, 300 cals is a meal. Haha!

new lowest weight!

106.2! My new lowest weight! Wow... :)
I went into dartford with my mum today to get a new school skirt. The lady handed me a 26 waist, which was way too big. But it reminded me to measure myself at some point. I might do that today and post it. Then we went into Subway and she forced me to eat, no matter how many times I told her I wasn't hungry. Ergh... I miss the empty feeling...
I don't know what I'm going to do when I go back to school; one of my friends, Em, is a recovering anorexic and always notices if I don't eat. I hate making her worry and I really want her to get better but I hate myself when I eat and feeling fat. I know it's hypocrisy but aren't we all hypocrites really? I don't consider myself to be anorexic- I'm not thin and i've not been put in hospital. A few of my friends have made comments about it and have said that I am but I just don't think I have a real problem. I'm just as uninteresting as the next person, only I eat less and think much more. At least I have a few days at home left and a group of friends are staying over tonight. I'm going to walk down to the post office to buy some snacks and things. I feel like I want to watch them eat, it makes me feel strong. Self control is like a muscle- every time its used, it gets a little stronger.

FoodIntakeToday

Breakfast:
1 cracker- 33 cals

Lunch:
Half of a 6" veggie sub- 137 cals

Dinner:
Nothing

Snacks/Bimges:
1 cracker- 33 cals
3 Ricola sugarfree sweets- 18 cals

Total:
218 cals

tenth of april

Back down to 107 lbs this morning :) Was hoping for more but I'll get lower tomorrow. I can't seem to have a perfect day. I never eat during the day but after dinner I find myself raiding the fridge. I get some strange looks when I sit in front of the fridge completely still, frozen in the act of taking that yoghurt out and then putting it back as many times as it takes to decide that I don't really need it. Soon it will be out of date. I don't feel quite as fat as of tonight but I still need much improvement. I will be thin. I just have to.

TheStuffThatMakesMeFat

Breakfast:
25g of raisins- 72 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Dinner:
1 slice of pizza (veggie, a small slice) about 200 cals
1 slice of garlic bread- 53 cals

Snacks/Binges:
2 crackers- 66 cals

Total:
395 cals

Yuck! I wish I could just take it all back and redo yesterday evening. Well, technically I could but I don't want to get into that stuff. I tried to make myself throw up once- to get out of school- but it just didn't work.

going strong

Today has been a (moderate) success. Horrified to see my weight at 107.8lbs this morning, but was entirely excpected after yesterday's binge. I was too depressed to blog about it last night, but basically I ate a whole packet of Munchies, half a packet of fruit shortcake bicuits plus a hash brown and an egg. Sunday is full English breakfast and I had to be seen eating. The rest of my food was cut up and smeared around my plate, Cassie Ainsworth style.
Anyway, I've not snacked today which is great, and I started my thinspo scrapbook in one of my lovely brown paper notebooks. It includes quotes and all the thin models from 5 weeks of LOOK magazine; I can't print any thinspo unless I get a day when both my parents are out. Haha :)

WhatIAte

Breakfast:
25g of raisins- 72 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
Nothing

Dinner:
Mixed salad- around 70 cals
1 boiled egg- 70 cals

Snacks/Binges:
Nothing

Total:
About 214 cals

Really pleased with today :) If I eat the same tomorrow, but with a lower starting weight, I might get a little closer to my target. I'm getting there slowly.

i'm such a fail

Devastated- I've not lost any weight at all! Stuck on 107.4 lbs. To be fair, I hadn't exercised at all yesterday. Went with my family to Colchester Zoo and had a reasonable time but am feeling incredibly disappointed in myself. For breakfast, I had my usual and told my dad that I had a few slices of toast as well. We stopped at a restaurant and even though I said I wasn't hungry, they ordered me a jacket potato and I just ate it all. I wanted to stop but I just kept eating and eating until it was gone! Ugh, I feel so fat and I have no control over myself. At least they saw me eat which will keep anyone from suspecting a thing. Anyway, feeling the day was ruined, I came home and ate again. ARGH! I'm so useless! If I slip just a little, I end up bingeing and making everything worse. I think I may end up cutting again tonight (luckily I have another week before school so by then, they will have healed enough to look like cat scratches).
Anyway, here's a little retro thinspo...

MyFailingsToday

Breakfast:
25g of raisins- 72 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
Jacket potato- 218 cals

Dinner:
Salad -roughly 70 cals (I had mainly lettuce and just a taste of anything else, apart from almost a fifth of an avocado. It's hard to measure salad.)

Snacks/Binges:
Half pack of Munchies- 131 cals
3 pieces of Wrigleys Extra- 15 cals

Total:
508 cals

Eurgh! Over one and a half what I ate yesterday! Tomorrow, I promise to do better. I'm aiming for my 25g of raisins for my metabolism and so I can take my vitamin pill and then I think it will be salad again for dinner.

fifth of april

Today's really bright and sunny, which I wasn't expecting in all honesty. It's about a week into the Easter holidays and the weather has been completely bipolar. I'm talking about a forecast of snow in April! Of course in the UK you can't rely on weather predictions as its changed from chance of rain to highs of 20 over the course of the morning.

Feeling great today- quite tired as its the holidays and I've gotten up at eight everyday. Basically, I slobbed around and did virtually nothing all day apart from tidy up a little and have a nap on the sofa. My stomach keeps growling and I tell myself 'this is the sound of you losing weight'. I've grown to love the sound of it and the feeling; I've liked it since I was small for some reason, even before I associated it with becoming thin. I sat and organised the cupboard in the afternoon and, despite being very hungry by then, didn't once feel tempted to eat.
Also, I think I've gone off tea. I used to be a real tea-head (at least three cups each day, as is normal in my family) but now after drinking Twinings fruit and herbal teas, I sat down to a cup of Tetley with semi-skimmed and was utterly disgusted at the taste. I thought the milk was off but it happened again this afternoon. Wow :) I'm going to save so many calories from the milk! PS. I've been chewing gum like crazy- I get through a pack of Wrigley's Extra Cool Breeze everyday, they're soooo nice!
AnywayOnToTheImportantStuff

Breakfast:
25g of raisin- 72 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
Nothing

Dinner:
Half portion of pasta bake- roughly 200 cals

Snacks/Binges:
5 pieces of Wrigley's sugarfree gum- 25 cals

Total:
Almost 300 calories

Can't decide whether I'm excited to weigh in tomorrow morning or dreading it!

hi there!

Okay, hi. I'm Sid but thats a shit name anyway so it doesn't matter. I would have liked to have been named  Alice or Lucy or something gentle sounding and delicate like that. I think that's the point though, who you would like to be is just as important as who you are now; you can have goals and slowly become who you want to be. Perhaps that's how you know you lived well and that you could die happily. As for me, I would like to be a completely different person. Starting with being thin. My weight now is 107.4 lbs or 48.7158205 kilograms. I am 5 ft 6" or 168 cm tall giving me a BMI of 17.2604239 or just 17.3. As for a long-term goal, I need to loose as much weight as I can, but for now, a goal weight of 104 lbs suits. Any support is much appriciated and to anyone who might read this and see it in a negative light: I appreciate your concern for my well-being and that of others, however I cannot promise to listen to any advice you give and so you may as well not read this blog at all. Thanks!
Happy weekend! :)