almost summer!

It seems I do more bingeing and starting afresh than actual weight loss. Today was good-ish. Crackers, lots of coffee, salad and strawberries with perhaps too much cream and sugar. The past few days were horrid. Yesterday I had four cookies (almost 1000 cals!) plus normal intake. Ive been too afraid to weigh myself since a week or so ago. Around 110 lbs. considering anywhere over 109 makes me Antic like hell, I've been quite good about it. Ive just tried to pretend it never happened, but it's so hard with all this disgusting fat hanging off my body. I've gotten kindof close to another girl in my class who's been borrowing my phone to sort out stuff with her ex etc. I had a peek at the texts when I got home (as anyone would. I know it's wrong but I was curious and she could have erased them if she wanted)and discovered that she also self harms. It made sense in a way. I don't think I would've suspected but if I had to pick someone in my class who I thought might then it would be her. I really want to talk to her about it and maybe offer support or just let her know that she isn't alone and that she can talk about it. But I don't know how to bring it up without embarrassing her or letting her know I saw the texts. She might not trust me if she knew I read them. Had drama all week instead of lessons which was great :). And I've only got three more days of school untill the summer. Woo! I promise to have control this summer. Without school I know I won't be having lunch and not being in that routine means I won't snack mindlessly so much. Hope you're all doing okay. Ps. I changed my name. Was wondering how to do that for a while.

Looking up

Things have been good the past few days :) my mother bought be sme new watercolours and they're great. I was always shit at painting but I think I've either improved or it was because all I had were some crayons poster paints from when I was a toddler. The results have been pretty good, for me anyway. They aren't great by artist standards, but oh well. My psychology teacher (for next year, anyway) asked me to help her with her wall display so I've had the chance to get captive and hopefully get on her good side. I'm no brown noser but it never hurts to nurture a positive teacher student relationship, eh? Ahem. I've pretty much not snacked at all because I've been painting and drinking coffee and hot chocolate. I know they have calories but it's a start. School is... Meh. (rant coming up) I've come to realise the extent to which I'm a wallflower in my school. So Im not exactly an extrovert but I never thought anyone could actually forget that I'm sitting right next to them. Long story short, one girl was convinced that I'd gone home hours ago until I tapped her on the shoulder. I'm not even joking, we talked not five minutes before. This was after our group performance at the school arts evening last night. They went ahead and changed the whole piece without bothering to tell me. Of course I only found out half way in when they started playing a completely different song and I just had to sit there like a retard in front of everyone. And people walk away when I'm in the middle of talking to them. Just mid-sentence. I mean, yeah it's great that no one notices when I skip batting in PE, but sometimes it's such a pain to be completely invisible. And I hate cliches. Still, I suppose I don't mind so much. I'm comfortable under my rock, it's safe and I don't have to deal with people. My mums been nagging me all day to go out and see people. Oh well. *sigh* despite how it sounds, I'm actually really happy. Because every moment I'm feeling miserable, I'm still burning calories. When things are shit, I just think how those girls would react if they saw me ten pounds lighter after the summer. Or whether they would feel guilty if I was hospitalised. And no, I DON'T want that- tubes and wires, hospital food, no exercise, homesickness and how devastated my friends and family would be. But after all, I think I'm starting to grasp why I am the way I am. Of course I wish I was thinner but more than that, this gives me justification. Maybe it's twisted, I don't know, but in a way it's perspective. Self harm and self loathing, trying to starve myself thin is like an excuse to be as fucked up as I am. It's as if whatever happens I can still say to myself, well would they judge me if they knew? I don't want to hurt people but I still love my secret weapon more than anything. It's like a meaning. Not the meaning of life, but it's something. In a few years I have no idea where I'm going to be. But I know I want to be- will be- thinner. Everything else can just fall into place. Sorry for the long, depressing post. Hope you are all ok, stay strong as always.

third of july

Yesterday was a success! Today, not s much... Anyway I'd rather just think about yesterday. I had cereal for breakfast, an oat bar (90 cals) and an omelette with brown bread. Binged today but I'm going to reign it in. My stomach has definitely shrunk. Not the flab, the actual maximum capacity of my stomach. When I eat a regular sized meal, I feel very full and sick. Maybe Its psychological. Oh well.