I've gotten so fat I can hardly bear to look at myself. I just want to self destruct. I want cut myself to ribbons and smash my skull and do anything to hurt myself. and cry too. It's just becoming hard to imagine ever getting back to where I was. Fuck.

Hopeless

Been home sick this week, ate a lot, cut a lot. Just hating everything, really. I'm always going to be a useless, fat lump of good-for-nothing. It just feels futile. I'm daydreaming about being so very thin. One day, Maybe it will happen. But for now, I'm fat and I can't do anything right,

Plans

So he's what happened today. My group of friends wanted to go and see a film in the morning, so I went along but after I paid for my ticket I started to feel really depressed. I mean, enough that I couldn't hide it from them which is pretty rare. I knew that I wanted to be anywhere but there so I made an excuse and left. But instead of taking the bus back, I went into the loos and started cutting. I had my razor blade in my bag just I'm case and I'm glad I had it. I cut pretty deep into my arm and I could see white and pink stuff for a minute before the blood came. And when it did, I tried to wash it away in the sinks, but there was just watered down blood everywhere and a few people started to look. Anyway, I slapped a plaster on it and haven't looked since. My mum came to pick me up because I told her I was feeling ill. The rest of today, she's done nothing but tell me to eat. I just feel really isolated and I know bailing on my friends wasn't about to help that but I don't really know why I do anything anymore, so I can't explain that for you.
Today, I've had three pieces of chocolate and I threw some toast out of the window and told people I'd eaten it.

New things

I managed to save up £160 so I went to lakeside to buy things :) got an early start after my 8 o clock orthodontist appt and stayed out until 1. I got a  knitted black scarf, lacy blue top, a necklace, some tights, perfect fitting jeans and a men's jumper. Haha nobody cares, I know. But anyway, the other thing I got which I'm most pleased with is a set of four disposable razors with four blades in each. £3 for the whole set as well which is pretty amazing as I'm set for the next millennia as far as cutting utensils goes. So I spent some of the afternoon melting open these razors to get at the metal. They're so sharp, I managed to cut open a good few millimetres on my leg without any effort at all. It's kinda sick in a way but I love it.
Also, I didn't eat apart from dinner which was chilli and I left two thirds of it under the pretence of it being too hot. Plus coffee. Always plus coffee.
Hope everybody's doing well, have a nice weekend!

Good news!

Not much time to blog right now but 110.8OMGGG!!!!! And it's after breakfast (200 cals but not having any other food today so it's ok)
In other news dads still being an arse and we have to go out as a family tomorrow. I hate few things more than family outings
Still, 110.8! Yay!

Sorry again

I've been missing off of blogger for ages, I know. Nothing much to report. It's half eleven at night, right now. I've been sleeping a lot and shaking now and again. Eating has been ok, a fairly steady and predictable pattern of a few mouthfuls of cereal, sometimes some grapes for lunch, one or two coffees and dinner. I've been staying off of counting calories and, although it seems like such a lot of food when I list it all, it's as little as I can do while everyone's on my back. My mother is constantly reminding me about eating more and saying that I haven't given her a leg to stand on when it comes to defending me to pushy teachers. Also my dads back and it's he'll. He's an arrogant git and a nuisance. I know, of course, it isn't healthy to say those things about my father and yes I love him really because he's family. But god. can we send him back to Australia? Anyway, my family relationships aren't exactly the most disturbing or unhealthy thing on this blog are they? Which brings me onto my last bit of news, I managed to nick one of my mum's replacement scalpel blades. I was considering stealing her new and very sharp filleting knife, wondering whether or not she would suspect me. By chance, I was using the scalpel to cut some paper. Isn't it lovely when everything just falls into place? It cuts much deeper than my knife and is easier to hide (in my mini sewing kit) ;)
Swimming at school on Monday, which I can't get out of since I faked a cold last week. Fucking PE is degrading enough but this... Well depending on how things pan out, it could be the end of my little secret and the beginning of counselling sessions and such. I know K looks at me when we're changing, and I can only hope it's because she suspects me, rather than anything more creepy. Probably so she can go and squeal to the teachers. Ok I know it's not fair to criticise someone for telling an adult of they're trying to help, but it's not that with her. She relishes it, spends all her time in the office just chatting to the nitch, mrs G. And when weld see her, she all K talks about. It drives me mad. Sorry, I'm ranting and I shouldn't. As you can tell, I'm not best pleased with anyone at the moment, but I'll go into more detail on that another time.
Weight has gone down finally from 15 to 13. There is hope.

Bad start

Today was the first day back at school and it sucked. Aside from lessons being awful I've realised that there is no way I can get out of eating. I could maybe handle having breakfast everyday since my mum watches, if I could cut back on anything else. But now I actually have to have lunch too. A little dish of pasta, cereal bar and a yoghurt which, even though I can miss out the latter two is still too much. And I have Em, who not only has nobody else to eat with, but suspected me previously of under eating. She's doing really well in recovery so I don't want to set her off again. Also she most likely knows all the tricks. K never has lunch with us anymore which is annoying because it means that I can't leave Em on her own. (don't get me wrong it's not that I don't enjoy being around her it's just that I don't want to have to eat) unless I can find a way of getting around it, I'll just have to deal with teachers on my back. It seems a shame because my mother was so sure that I was fine and I hate to make her feel foolish after fighting for them to stop bothering me. Now she keeps commenting on me not eating enough. Now schools started she says she wants me to try and do three meals a day. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Hope you're all in a better position!

New Layout

I changed the layout, hope you don't mind ;) It looks a little dark, idk but the old one was a bit... cutesy. Like, in a rainbows and cupcakes and sprinkles kind of way. I actually think the fish bones are adorable (I got some silver dangly fish skeleton earrings yesterday) haha. Yesterday I had a long walk around a shopping centre with a friend and her gf. Stayed over and they didn't make me eat anything which was cool. Zero cals the whole day :) I'm used to my other friends noticing when I don't eat, especially since one of them knows some of the story. Its nice that they don't take it too seriously though; they joke about me never eating which is a good sign that they aren't worried and a little reminder to be the person I want to be. Among other things, to them I'm the girl who doesn't eat. It's pretty funny in a way. Of course I do eat and I always say so. The last few days have been binge free. Also, my parents have decided to give my bro's allowance to me now that he's got a job and he gave me his old camera now that he has his fancy new one. I just need to buy a lens off ebay. I'm done with summer now, bring on the lovely cold weather! Going back to school soon though :( Homework, classmates and worst of all- eating lunch. I dunno how I'm going to get around that.
Oh well.

Braces

Hey everyone, hows it going? Hope youre all doing well. Sunday, I went to Summer in the City with a friend and got to meet TomSka which was awesome even though I already met him at MCM (btw I'm a nerd) he was very cool and gave everyone a hug. It rained really heavily for ten minutes and there were some really skinny girls there which made me feel pretty bad. I ended up bingeing. Tuesday, me and three friends went on a spur of the moment trip to Thorpe Park (a theme park for anyone who doesn't know) and I had a cracker and nothing else which was awesome. Minor binge on Wednesday. Yesterday was a good day and I also met up with a friend and I bought the most awesome tweed-elbow-patch-doctor-who blazer from H&M after my orthodontist appointment. It's ten past seven in the morning now and im getting braces in just under an hour. Booh :( but I suppose my teeth will be straight which is good. Also I just wanted to remind anyone that my iPad has some kind of fault that won't let me type comments or replies to comments but I'm working on fixing it. I might start using my laptop in the near future anyway and hope my parents don't see. Lol.

Fail. Faaaaail. Failfailfail.

Just got back from my nan's three and a half hours plus traffic. No more pear cider, giant cookies and takeaway. I'm afraid to weigh because I'm so fat right now. My legs are okay ish. Thighs Idek and my stomach which was getting better now look pregnant. Fucking hell. And my periods back. Anyone got any clue about this? It started when I visited my nan up north and it carried on for a few months and went away. Now its back for the first time, I got it the day after I got there. What the hell? Maybe it's the air. Hope you're all ok, gonna go take a much needed shower.

Idontevenknowwhatdayitis

Hi guys, I just want to say that my iPad is being weird and won't let me comment or reply to comments but to the lovely commenters, thanks and I hope you're all doing well. Stupid technology. Idek.

I'm going up north to Lancashire to visit my nan today. It's just going to be me and my mum (and my nan obviously) as my dad's working and my bro just got a new job and can't ask for time off. He's earning £50 a day by the way which is pretty amazing as he's 17 and it's more than twice minimum wage. Anyway he lives at home so it's not going on rent or anything; he's saving up for a new camera and he also has a surprise for me apparently. Aww <3 my bros great but very loud (hes my polar opposite including the fact that he eats tons of crap and stays thin as a rake) and so I'm looking forward to peace and quiet this week. And it will be doubly quiet where my nan lives too.

Anyway, onto the important stuff. I binged pretty bad yesterday. Crackers, 3 fucking club bars, strawberries, cream, and leek and and potato soup. But weirdly I don't feel that awful. It was kind of like I'd been doing so well lately (even though  didn't lose) it was to be expected and I kind of welcomed it. Now I can get back to restricting.

Good luck everyone x and have a great week!

What the hell?

I've not binged these past few days and I've not lost any weight :( well, I weighed yesterday (I think? I'm losing track of time now) and I'm still at 114 and it sucks! I'm living off of crackers, coffee and soup, also anyone looking to stop bingeing, go out and buy a copy of The Sims 3. It's so addictive I forget to eat. I've been a simmer since I was small and now my laptop is fixed I'm doing little else. Yeah it's not healthy but neither is restricting, so....
Anyway I went to the dentist yesterday and he numbed my mouth with like fortytwo fucking needles and now my lip is swollen where I chewed it in my sleep. I can't abide going to the dentist. It's just wrong, sitting there with your head practically in some strangers lap while they put their hands in your mouth?! Maybe I'm just being neurotic. Idk. Still, as dentists go mines pretty good; he sings and tells me about the stupid things he's done like giving himself a black eye at the gym.
Here's some thinspo that was already on this blog. Stupid iPad compatibility issues. Haha, I'm working on it honestly :)

So yeah, fun times. I've now got a very attractive swollen lip :/ wooh.

Eurgh...

Hi everyone sorry I've been so nonexistent lately :( I didn't sleep last night, gave up trying at around four in the morning and played sims instead. Fucking addictive. Anyway I've been up something like 36 hours and I've had two crackers, a smallish portion of veggie stir fry with no sauce and a chocolate eclair. Yuck. Also a shit load of coffee. I've switched to decaf so that I can save regular for emergencies like this morning when I desperately needed to be awake. I'm so stupid I drank decaf by mistake. I'm not sure if what I'm typing makes sense either. Haha. I'm trying to proofread, honestly I am but the words aren't cooperating. I must be tired. Ha.
I binged three days ago, like serious bingeing and I'm at 114 lbs. incidentally I'm apparently the same height and weight as Megan fox but idk if thats current, I just came across it on google. She's all muscle anyway and I'm just a big fat pile of useless flabby lard. With big feet. Yeah.
Anyway, just wanted to catch up, nothing much else to say apart from hope youre all doing well and feeling good. I'm still reading blogs even when I'm not commenting or updating anyway. Goodnight. X

almost summer!

It seems I do more bingeing and starting afresh than actual weight loss. Today was good-ish. Crackers, lots of coffee, salad and strawberries with perhaps too much cream and sugar. The past few days were horrid. Yesterday I had four cookies (almost 1000 cals!) plus normal intake. Ive been too afraid to weigh myself since a week or so ago. Around 110 lbs. considering anywhere over 109 makes me Antic like hell, I've been quite good about it. Ive just tried to pretend it never happened, but it's so hard with all this disgusting fat hanging off my body. I've gotten kindof close to another girl in my class who's been borrowing my phone to sort out stuff with her ex etc. I had a peek at the texts when I got home (as anyone would. I know it's wrong but I was curious and she could have erased them if she wanted)and discovered that she also self harms. It made sense in a way. I don't think I would've suspected but if I had to pick someone in my class who I thought might then it would be her. I really want to talk to her about it and maybe offer support or just let her know that she isn't alone and that she can talk about it. But I don't know how to bring it up without embarrassing her or letting her know I saw the texts. She might not trust me if she knew I read them. Had drama all week instead of lessons which was great :). And I've only got three more days of school untill the summer. Woo! I promise to have control this summer. Without school I know I won't be having lunch and not being in that routine means I won't snack mindlessly so much. Hope you're all doing okay. Ps. I changed my name. Was wondering how to do that for a while.

Looking up

Things have been good the past few days :) my mother bought be sme new watercolours and they're great. I was always shit at painting but I think I've either improved or it was because all I had were some crayons poster paints from when I was a toddler. The results have been pretty good, for me anyway. They aren't great by artist standards, but oh well. My psychology teacher (for next year, anyway) asked me to help her with her wall display so I've had the chance to get captive and hopefully get on her good side. I'm no brown noser but it never hurts to nurture a positive teacher student relationship, eh? Ahem. I've pretty much not snacked at all because I've been painting and drinking coffee and hot chocolate. I know they have calories but it's a start. School is... Meh. (rant coming up) I've come to realise the extent to which I'm a wallflower in my school. So Im not exactly an extrovert but I never thought anyone could actually forget that I'm sitting right next to them. Long story short, one girl was convinced that I'd gone home hours ago until I tapped her on the shoulder. I'm not even joking, we talked not five minutes before. This was after our group performance at the school arts evening last night. They went ahead and changed the whole piece without bothering to tell me. Of course I only found out half way in when they started playing a completely different song and I just had to sit there like a retard in front of everyone. And people walk away when I'm in the middle of talking to them. Just mid-sentence. I mean, yeah it's great that no one notices when I skip batting in PE, but sometimes it's such a pain to be completely invisible. And I hate cliches. Still, I suppose I don't mind so much. I'm comfortable under my rock, it's safe and I don't have to deal with people. My mums been nagging me all day to go out and see people. Oh well. *sigh* despite how it sounds, I'm actually really happy. Because every moment I'm feeling miserable, I'm still burning calories. When things are shit, I just think how those girls would react if they saw me ten pounds lighter after the summer. Or whether they would feel guilty if I was hospitalised. And no, I DON'T want that- tubes and wires, hospital food, no exercise, homesickness and how devastated my friends and family would be. But after all, I think I'm starting to grasp why I am the way I am. Of course I wish I was thinner but more than that, this gives me justification. Maybe it's twisted, I don't know, but in a way it's perspective. Self harm and self loathing, trying to starve myself thin is like an excuse to be as fucked up as I am. It's as if whatever happens I can still say to myself, well would they judge me if they knew? I don't want to hurt people but I still love my secret weapon more than anything. It's like a meaning. Not the meaning of life, but it's something. In a few years I have no idea where I'm going to be. But I know I want to be- will be- thinner. Everything else can just fall into place. Sorry for the long, depressing post. Hope you are all ok, stay strong as always.

third of july

Yesterday was a success! Today, not s much... Anyway I'd rather just think about yesterday. I had cereal for breakfast, an oat bar (90 cals) and an omelette with brown bread. Binged today but I'm going to reign it in. My stomach has definitely shrunk. Not the flab, the actual maximum capacity of my stomach. When I eat a regular sized meal, I feel very full and sick. Maybe Its psychological. Oh well.

Sorry

I've been neglectful and shit; sorry I haven't been commenting etc. I wish you all the best of luck and all the strength you need. Ive just been too distracted to remind you all of that ;) encouragement is what gets some people through the day, I know. I've had a good weekend, but feeling shit now. Cut worse than I have in a month or so, and not just because I'm fat but because I'm still not who I want to be, because I had a deep conversation with a friend last night and now regret opening up to her like that and because I haven't done my overdue French hw. On the bright side, I found that a needle or a safety pin makes me bleed much easier than my favourite knife. Plus, it's never been in contact with meat, which I only thought of now. I mean, all the knives in the house are washed of course but it's a perk anyway. It's also good for making words. Its kinda sick really, now that I'm writing it down. Makes sense at the time. Might not post for a while. Hope you all get where you want to be. Don't worry about me anyway, I'm fine. You are all perfect and again, I wish you all the luck, strength and joy in the world. I know it sounds like I'm saying goodbye; I'm not, it's ok, I'm not dying. ;)

fifteenth of june

Went into school today after two days off. It wasn't so bad but I ache all over. I had cornflakes, a cereal bar and a small portion of veggie lasagne with lettuce. I won't have anything more tonight. I look so incredibly fat today :( at my youth club, we are doing manhunt tonight, so basically running round in the woods. I have to wear my converse if I'm running and they make my legs look absolutely awful! I'm actually crying now because I don't want to leave the house looking like this. Ugh, I'm disgusting. I think I might end up cutting tonight again. At least it's the weekend. Also, my cats been losing weight (lucky bitch) and we took her to the vet quite a few times for blood tests etc. As it turns out, she's showing early symptoms of cat anorexia. Wow. Crazy, right?

sick

So I've been ill most of half term and it's gotten real bad since Monday. I had yesterday off and after much tears I'm at home today as well. I won't have anymore time off school this year as my attendance is down to about 93% God forbid. Anyway, I've got a drama essay to do and preparation for an English controlled assessment. Bleh! Oh well, hopefully my head will stop pounding and I won't feel so bloated once I get a little sleep. It's like nothing I eat is sitting right. It's hard to explain, like its not settling as usual. Also, I had a glass of milk yesterday (for the protein) and for some reason it keeps popping into my head. It feels like its still in my stomach and I'm just seeing it, it's freaky. I think I must be hungry now. My stomach is growling but the thought of food right now is disgusting. Oh well, if nothing else I can sit and try and hear myself get thinner. Stay strong, pass the tissues, and much love to everyone. Ps. I was sitting up in bed looking at some thinspo when I thought to myself: do I want to lose weight, or do I want to lose fat? At first the answer is obvious- I want to lose fat, be less jiggly and more beautiful and delicate. But then I remembered the mornings when I would frantically stare at the number, willing it to go down; taking off bracelets, my watch, things that weighed a few grams; anything from using the loo to hair drying my body, becaus water's heavy and just in case and trying to get all the air out of my lungs because it weighs. And 9 times out of 10, it doesn't make any difference. So I suppose in some ways I am a slave to the number, and maybe that means I do have a problem after all, because lord knows I do eat. I would never get away with completely starving myself but perhaps the mindset is what makes all the difference. That was all a bit long, haha. I'd be interested to hear anyone else's take on it.

ninth of june

Okay so it's Saturday and tomorrow is the last day of the holidays :( its not quite hit me yet but it will tomorrow evening and I'll be panicking. At least it's on,y 5 weeks until summer holidays. This week has gone so fast. I've not been out with my friends at all although they slept over round here on weds because my dad was away. We pulled an all-nighter and watched PA3 which didn't scare me like I thought it would. I think the fact that they named the demon Toby made it seem too human to be scary. I mean I know it's meant to be freaky but I can't help thinking aww Toby... He just wants someone to love him. Even though that's a lie and he just wants to wreak havoc and posess the family. I've been sitting at home, mastering the French knot and other stitches, just generally being crafty. I finished a book and put up a shelf. My room is beautifully tidy now and I've hung up paper chains and origami birds so now it looks really pretty. Ikea with my mum today, we got subway and I had veggie delite which was about 270 and then we walked around the store and I got an ofelia, two korkens and a flaten. Haha! Hope you all had a nice week and stay strong :) Ps. 108.4 lbs today, I'm getting there.

fifth of june

I think my scales have been lying to me. The other day, I was at 109.4 which was an improvement as I was recovering from the three week binge. Yesterday it was 108.2 and I snacked quite a lot. But today, it's 107.8. I don't know whether to be elated or dubious. Anyway, I'm so tired,move been staying awake until 1 and sleeping until 11 and it really screws with my life. Plus I'm starting to get that sinking feeling again because it's Wednesday now and I've not got that much longer until school. Anyway, hope you're all okay. :)

third of june

So today, things are gonna be better, as I promised. My family made a cooked breakfast so I had to have some of that but it wasn't a massive portion. I suppose some things can't really be avoided plus I'm feeling like shit, there's a cold going round. Apart from that, I've had no solid food. Just lots of coffee. I doubt I'm going to sleep well tonight. Lol.

Today is the first day of the holidays :) its only a week and it's gonna go so fast, but after that it's five weeks of school and then the summer hols! Today, I've lazed around and eaten a lot of biscuits (and its only 2 o'clock), but I've decided to reinvent myself, just a little, and today is the last day of the continuous binge that's been going on for weeks now. I managed to reign it in this week but I'm still snacking. So today I'm getting it out of my system and after that, no more. I'm going to tidy my tip of a room later so I can start tomorrow morning with a beautiful bedroom. Haha! Tomorrow: 2 crackers and fruit tea for breakfast, coffee for lunch and half of whatever's served for dinner. Now that it's up here I don't think I will binge. Life has to start better, I have to get thinner or else theres just no hope.

looking up

For the first time in far too long, I've had a good day. That is to say, a relatively binge-free day. I haven't counted in case I jinx it, but I didnt come home and immediately start looking for food. And I spent a good few hours traipsing around shops after school, in the heat. Haha. It's starting to look like there's hope. I've been feeling so incredibly fat for ages, and not without good reason as I'm still probably somewhere around 109 lbs. I can't weigh in yet, I'll get spooked like a horse. I cut again last night. I think part of what makes me do it is because of the feeling of accomplishment I get afterwards. It's as if I've actually made a difference even though it's not productive or anything. But they weren't that deep anyway. I just think its really funny that my upper arm looks like it has gills (10 lines, one for each pound I need to lose). It makes me giggle. Sorry for the lack of posts and comments; I've been to depressed to string words together. Also, I can't upload any thinspo pics from my iPad, will try and figure out how sharpish. Love and strength to everyone, thanks for reading and for your wonderful support.

'who am I?'

So, I wrote a poem, it's more of a riddle but quite easy, or at least I think so. This is more a draft anyway. Cold and hard and flat, I gleam for those who love themselves, And cloud for those who love others. I tell no lie For is it not better to speak the hard-hearted truth Than to suffocate in the warm folds of delusion and vanity? I have no image of my self to present to you, But look upon your own face and answer me: Who am I? Not sure if it relates to anything or whatever, I just came up with it and thought I'd share.

fuck my life

Ive been bingeing these past two weeks and gained 3 pounds. I hate myself; every time I say I will be better and have a fresh start, it goes to shit! But I'm posting it here so I will stick to it. Starting tomorrow, I will not slip, not once. Short post again, sorry. Gotta go. Will update tomorrow.

computer issues

Sorry, I've not been posting. My computer's on the fritz again :( might be for a couple of days. Have been mildly bingeing for the past week or so, will do better as of tomorrow. I've officially eaten all the yummy things in my house now. Tomorrow will be perfect or else. Sorry for the short post, gotta go.

third of may

I can't say I'm a fan of May. I don't really like the number five or writing it. Back at 106 lbs exactly as of this morning. :) And I'm going to ruin it because I promised M 500 cals or more. He's the only person I can't say no to or lie to. He and R, my kindof bf, haven't been getting on at all. They always bickered a little but they had a massive row last night over nothing.
Nothing really happened today, apart from 800 metres in PE (my time was 4:49) and Em's a bit better. She's been quite giggly and chatty (compared to recently anyway) for the past few days which is great. And I know I'm a hypocrite because I want so badly for her to get well again, while at the same time, I'm heading down the same path she did. It's really not intentional, or at least it didn't start that way. What I'm trying to say is I'm not claiming to be anorexic, as I mentioned a while ago, neither am I trying to be or would I wish that on anyone else; it's am awful illness and anyone with it deserves all the love and support out there. I know it says pro-ana in the description but it's only a warning for anyone who would interpret this in that way. And all I want for myself is to be thin, really. I don't want attention or pity like some people might think.

WhatI'veEatenToday
Breakfast:
Special K- 100 cals
Lunch:
Couscous-100 cals
Cereal bar- 125
Dinner:
Tomato soup- 118
Total:
443
Almost 500.
ps. No thinspo as my laptop has erased itself somehow for no reason, including thinspo homework and all my photos. :'(

feeling fucking fat

I gained one pound after a massive emotional binge a few days ago, involving staying up untill 2 am crying and talking to my best friend over Pingchat. He told me he fancies me and I told him I'm an ugly bitch and I need to get my head together. I think it could have gone worse. I do wish he'd get a better friend though; I'm slowly ruining his life and he's only ever been an amzing friend to me. Isn't life just a bitch?
Anyway, I feel fatter than ever today, although hopefully at least some of it is just water retention or something like that. I haven't weighed myself yet. Eating-wise I've done well so far and hope to carry on tomorrow. My motivation for today is the word DONT written on the back of my hand and feeling my ribs through my thick school jumper. I've now got two more friends, KT and S, on my back about how thin I've apparently gotten. And its annoying because I'm fatter than I've been in ages. Only now I look a little sick and blotchy. At least I can see my ribs, and I can see my spine through my jumper. Haha! My eyes look a little bit sunken maybe. I think I'm starting to see it. Well, I can feel my cheekbones and my eye sockets but I don't know if thats new or not. My legs are still so incredibly fat and pudgy. Blech!

WhatI'veEaten
Breakfast:
Special K- 100 cals
Lunch:
Pasta with pesto- 150 cals
Dinner:
Couscous- 90 cals
Snacks/Binges:
Total:
340 cals

sorry

Sorry I've not posted in a while; my heads in a bit of a weird place. Been eating moderately. At 106.4 lbs. Hope to do better. Starting tomorrow, 100 percent control. I promise.

cornered

My head of Key Stage pulled me in to have a go at me. Apparently Em and K have been reporting me for God knows how long and each time, she's phoned my parents. Not that anyone thought to tell me before now. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that Em and K are just trying to look out for me, but can't I just make my own descisions anymore? If I don't want to eat, why should I have to? Anyway, it looks like I'm going to have to start having lunch, or at least appear to. I'm being slowly cornered by everyone around me. Even my friend in another class pulled me off for a heart-to-heart about how I've not been myself lately. They're trying to box me in and make me eat and the more I think about it, the more I want to refuse. As well as that, I'm just so mad at myself for thinking I'd gotten away with it so far. Argh! I should have realised they were all conspiring against me right from the start.
Anyway, Miss told me I'd lost weight and my eyes looked sunken in or something. The funny thing is I took it as a compliment. I've not lost weight though; I'm stuck at 106.8 lbs. It's so frustrating! If I eat, I'll gain but if I restrict the best I can hope for is to maintain. And starving isn't an option- not with everyone watching me and waiting for me to slip. My mum takes it all as a bit of a joke, which I'm thankful for- she suspects nothing, although if I'm not well again by the end of the week, she's going to take me to a doctor. I'm half wondering if I should (and whether I have the control to) stop eating altogether. Maybe they'd put me in a horrid clinic or a nuthouse where nobody would bother me... Apart from doctors. I hate doctors. Maybe my class would make me a birthday card and send it in and I could prop it up by my hospital bed while I waste away, all punctured with needles and drips. Yuck.
I hate to upset Em and I wish I could reassure her that I'm okay but I know she won't listen. It's not fair to do this to her. But if I eat I'm miserable and if I don't eat they're miserable which makes me miserable too. It just seems like I spend so much of my time trying to please people, that just maybe I could have this one little thing for myself?
Sorry for the rant.

twentyfourth of april

Had a bit of a nap during lunch today. Had loads of people tell me I look really rough and my mum wants me to start eating meat, which I'm against. It's a moral thing, although I'm sure I'd put on weight if I did start eating dead animals. My mum's bought a box of 12 Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Why?! I promise I won't eat any. I'm going to post this unfinished and update after dinner so I can't go back on it.
*Edit* I didn't eat the doughnut! Yay :) And what with my brother's friends coming over throughout the week, they should all be gone soon anyway. Can't believe how many calories are in pasta! Anyway, today's been a thin day so far. I'm feeling like shit but at the same time, I feel really good.

AllI'veEaten

Breakfast:
Special K- 90 cals
Lunch:
Nothing
Dinner:
About half a plate of pasta with pesto sauce 265 cals
Snacks/Binges:
1 hot chocolate -55 cals (the brand I use turns out to be much lower than I thought before. Woop!)

Total:
410 cals
Not too bad :)
Instead of thinspo today, I thought I'd post some personal motivation. I adore clothes and fabrics and lovely prints. These items are really nice (well I think so anyway) and if I go the rest of the week without bingeing I might treat myself to one or two of them :) The white tights are gorgeous but would be hard to pull off without making my legs look massive, which serves as motivation to loose.
It's kindof hard to see. The first pair of tights have blue spots and the second pair are printed with fun cartoon cars.

ribs! and sleeping in school

I fell asleep during Chemistry today. I've a bad cold and need some sleep. When I woke up my legs were numb. The teacher took me to the office and the first thing they asked was whether I'd eaten. I had to eat more lunch than I usually would because I was being watched. Anyway I got a lift home off my mum rather than take the bus which was a plus. Despite a pounding headache and swallowing being mildly painful, I'm dead chuffed- I can see my ribs! For the first time in a while, I can see them properly. They don't really jut out but they're quite obviously there. I can't stop grinning. And seeing them stopped me from sneaking a few squares of choclate to follow up dinner.
I'm pleased with my calorie intake today; even though it's not particularly low, I seemed to be on a cycle of eating very little and bingeing the following day (as mentioned before). So considering yesterday was a good day, today had the potential to be a bad one. If tomorrow is a good day, that will be a massive encouragement. Thanks to everyone! Stay strong :)

MealsAndSuchThings...

Breakfast:
Half bowl of Special K- 50 cals

Lunch:
Half of a wholemeal roll- 72 cals
Raisins- 80 cals

Dinner:
Quorn chicken korma- 140 cals (the info for this was really inconsistant but calorie-data.com has it as 140 cals per 100g portion.)

Snacks/Binges:
1 hot chocolate- 90 cals
2 crackers- 50 cals

Total:
485 cals
Quite good, considering today could've potentially been a disaster. The cycle is broken!
*I've had to make loads of edits. See what sleep deprivation does to me?*

twentysecond of april

*I meant to post this last night but I fell asleep*
Today was good. I've been outside and on my feet from half past 10 to about four o'clock and I've not binged either. I ate a little more than I could have but, like I said, I've been on my feet all day.
I also stepped on a nail sticking out of a piece of wood and it went through my shoe and stabbed me in the foot. Ow :( I might need a tetanus. Eurrrghhhh.

ModerationIsWorking

Breakfast:
2 crackers- 66 cals
1 banana- 90 cals

Dinner:
Quorn burger and salad- 163 cals

Snacks/Binges:
2 crackers- 50 cals
1 apple- 50 cals

Total:
319 cals

TodayWillBeBetter...

fatfatfatfat fucking fat bitch

AM Wow, I made it without eating :) And I was astounded by how much food there was. JJ's mum is an absolute domestic goddess. She sews and crochets and makes curtains and pillows, always organised. And she has time for a job. They have Christmas planned by July- we leave everything until the week before. And they have so much FOOD! An amazing amount of food. I'd just love to organize their kitchen, haha! We slept in the cabin at the end of the garden and she brought us out a massive bowl of popcorn, a whole pack of dark chocolate digestives (my biggest weakness), a multipack of walkers and a tub of celebrations. And I didn't eat any of it. :) Of course my friends noticed but they seemed to take it quite lightly and eventually stopped offering me food. I skipped breakfast too. M did tell me to eat something and wouldn't believe that I'd have breakfast at home. But he knows I'm fine.

PM Aaaaand then my whole world turns to shit. Because of an Easter egg. I ate the whole thing! I just couldn't stop! I have absolutely no self control. ARGH! 526 cals. Plus three of those mini bags of maltesers at 98 cals each. And some crackers too. I was so upset and angry and guilty and I wanted so badly to throw up but I know I can't. I've tried a few times before and it just doesn't work. So I went for a run. About 2 hours in total and then another 2 hours walking later in the evening. I still feel full. It's the most horrible feeling. I won't be counting my cals today. I know I've failed. And I told M about it and as per usual he's going on and on trying to console me and tell me I'm fine as I am. It's horrible because it makes me feel so guilty and I know it's a pack of lies. I know it always ends up like that when I tell him about my problems but I need someone to confide in. Anyway, he doesn't need all my shit. Also it's just come to light that my kindof boyfriend might fancy my friend. Well, his friend too. Basically we're a circle of friends about 6 of us. Anyway i knew it was inevitable and I'm not really upset or anything. She's nicer and prettier than me. And she has blue eyes and fair skin and rosy cheeks and small dainty feet. I've been prepared for a long time.
Wow this is a long post. Haha. I'm gonna go and have a hot chocolate and maybe cut again tonight. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.

twentieth of april

Today was okay, nothing too eventful apart from an English presentation. It was on two books, Dracula and 1984, and I fluffed it. I only had to present to 26 people and I barely got through it. I started trembling and stammering and had to sit down. Ugh! I'm so pathetic! Anyway, I didn't eat too much at least. I'm staying over at a friend's tonight so I'll have to be strong to avoid the oreos that will probrably be trying to temp me.

CalorieIntakeToday

Breakfast:
Half bowl of Special K- 50 cals

Lunch:
Alpen bar- 70 cals
Activia yoghurt 125 cals

Dinner:
Heinz tomato soup- 180 cals

Total:
425 cals

nineteenth of april

Okay so I'm at 106.8 lbs as of a few days ago. I didn't want to post it in the hope that it would be temporary or because of the time of day that I weighed myself. It's been about 3 days and I've not lost any weight at all! It seems like the only way would be to run a marathon and eat nothing at all. I think people would notice. I want to be back at 106 :'( I know it's just 0.8 lbs but it's a big deal.
Anyway today's been ok. I've realised I adore food. But not eating it- organizing it. I rearranged the whole kitchen and I was absolutely amazed at how much food we own. Anyway now the fridge and all the cupboards are neat and perfect and beautiful. And the best part is my brother always eats so he makes a mess of the cupboards and I can sit and fix them everyday :) I guess it's theraputic in a way.
Also, I just wanted to say thanks to anyone who's commented and read so far, you're all lovely and your support is really great. :) Much love

IShouldn'tHaveEatenAtAll

Breakfast:
Half a bowl of Special K- 50 cals

Lunch:
1 Activia yoghurt- 125 cals
Some raisins- about 80 cals
1 Alpen bar- 70 cals

Dinner:
Quorn chicken korma- 130 cals

Snacks/Binges:
1 Alpen bar- 70 cals

Total:
525 cals
That seems really high... :( Probably thanks to the Alpen bars and the yoghurt, both of which I wouldn't normally eat. Assuming I were to have a similar dinner and skip those tomorrow, I would be at 260 which is great.

seventeenth of april

I was planning on eating nothing but I couldn't. And for the lamest reason too. Everyone around me was watching! I got away without doing too much damage but I really wish I could've done a proper fast :( I went on another hour-long walk around where I live. I love where I live- it's 10 minutes away from Dartford town centre and the schools and shops but out of my window is the most amazing view. The fields go on forever like you're in the middle of nowhere. Wow :)
Anyway heres some lovely thinspo.

FatFatFatFatFat-

Breakfast:
Half bowl of special K- 50 cals

Lunch:
Some raisins- around 80 cals

Dinner:
1 'veggie finger'- 63 cals

Snacks/Binges:
Nothing

Total:
193 cals

Tomorrow, I'll probrably eat more but I'll try and still be good. I keep getting stuck in a pattern of barely eating and bingeing alternatively; if I keep it down tomorrow, the cycle will be broken.

fast starts now

I really over-ate today. Tomorrow, I've just decided I'm going to fast. I can throw away my breakfast discreetly, maybe avoid Em and K at lunch break and avoid dinner with a faked stomach ache. This will be hard. I want to be thin so badly.
ps. Ignore time-stamps on posts, its quater to ten right now.

first day back

Hey :) Had my first day back at school today. It was ok, I guess- nothing happened anyway. Apart from PSHE, finishing up our topic of Obesity And Eating Disorders or whatever it was meant to be. They had some long speech about how if we suspect anyone isn't constantly stuffing their faces, we ought to tell an adult. Because if you have an eating disorder, a load of teachers breathing down your neck is so very comforting. Grr. Anyway, it got me thinking, I really can't tell anyone at all. Not only because it might get spread around or get back to teachers, but because it just isn't fair to burden anyone with the knowledge. If someone told me they had a problem and it was serious (or even looked like it might become serious) I would feel guilty because if I were to tell an adult, it would be betraying their trust and if I didn't then they might get worse and be in danger. And besides, adults don't always have the answer. So- what if you do the wrong thing? Is it your fault?

This is so pretty, it's like she's so light she's floating.

ThatEvilStuff

Breakfast:
Half bowl of special K- 50 cals

Lunch:
cereal bar- 145 cals (yikes!)
Raisins- about 75 cals

Dinner:
Half plate of noodles and rice- about 200 cals

Snacks/Binges:
4 Hovis biscuits- 132 cals
Hot chocolate- 80 cals

Total:
682 cals
Oh my God! So many calories! Just glad I went on an hour long walk this afternoon.

fifteenth of april

Down 0.2 lbs! exactly 106 lbs now. 2 more pounds until my goal weight; after that, will be going for 100 lbs. I probably won't be able to blog as much during term-time, so this might be goodbye for a few days anyway. I'll try to update as much as I can.
I explained my situation in an earlier post, but I really need an answer from anyone at all to this:
Basically, how can I hide my 'eating habits' from my anorexic friend? We spend lunch break together and I can only avoid eating together maybe one or two days a week. Any feedback would be muchly appreciated! Thanks.
ps. This picture is absolutely gorgeous- I'd love to have legs like that one day.

WhyI'mNotThinYet

Breakfast:
1 cracker- 33 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
2 crackers- 66 cals

Dinner:
Salad- about 70 cals
Snacks/Binges:
1 slice of Jamaican ginger cake- 80 cals

Total:
251 cals
Not bad. Tomorrow, if I can eat as little as possible, walking around all day carrying my heavy schoolbag should provide more exercise than I've been getting this week. Still wishing I could fake being ill and stay home. My attendance is so bad, the best I can get is a nap in the sick room.

aargh! school tomorrow

Today is the last day of the Easter holidays and I'm feeling deflated and a little depressed. I have a ton of homework to do as well. I'm really dreading going back to school. Brace yourselves- here's a long anecdote. I'm not fussed whether anyone reads this; it's just nice to put it all down and get it off my chest and in some kind of order as well. Haha, expecting a lot of tl;dr.

My friend Em, as I said before, is recovering from anorexia although still going through good patches and bad patches. Its actually quite funny that as I learn more and more techniques and tricks, I recognise some in her- such as literally always moving. Anyway, it works two ways so she notices if I don't eat or make an excuse to not sit down and eat at lunch time. Part of me wants to treat it as though its none of her business but she worries about me and I hate to upset her, as she's having on-and-off depression. In some ways, it's hard work being friends with her, but I don't regret it at all as she's so lovely and the sweetest girl I've met. It's not her fault anyway. My other friend, K, is the queen of unsubtelty. She frequently points out or jokes about how little she (herself) has eaten or deliberately turns the conversation to when her brother pointed out how thin she was or how Miss has been going through her lunchbox. It isn't helping Em get better. It's frankly quite pathetic that she feels she needs to compete with Em for attention. Don't get me wrong, she's bubbly and nice to talk to and I don't usually bitch about people like this. It doesn't really matter, as no one reading this knows who I am or who she is. But, the other day, out of the blue she tells me that she has to see the head of key stage. I asked why and she shows me the faint scratches on her arm and claims that she's self-harming. Maybe she is, but if so why is she boasting about it? I've only told one person about my scars- M, who doesn't go to my school but is like a big brother to me and who I would trust with my life. And I only told him because he was asking for weeks why I was so quiet and I felt guilty for keeping him in the dark. And talking of my scars, my mum had a phone call home because some girls had noticed them and reported me. She demanded to see them, so I made some more to look like cat scratches which satisfied her. She phoned school back and told them it was my cat and now the only difficulty is how awkward it will be seeing those girls again. I bet they think I'm a freak. Oh well, I am.

Anyway, I'm behind on so much schoolwork and faced with the difficulty of how not to eat. I have to have breakfast because my mum is around. Em and K will be making sure I eat lunch and I can only leave dinner for so long untill my parents call me up on it. If I eat that much, I'll get so fat! I'm trapped. Help!

thirteenth of april

I ate so much yesterday, I'm afraid to weight myself. Why can't I just fucking keep control?! I felt so full and I got so angry at myself; I wanted to eat more just to hurt myself. That was fuller than I've been in months. At least I remember how it felt and I'm not going to let it happen again. I rememebr feeling so sick- it was horrible. I'm being better today. Em's coming over at half past 2 so I have to tidy up etc. I can't let her see that I'm 'avoiding food' as my teacher puts it, or else she might freak. Still, I can't bear for her to see me so fat either. I feel really embarassed- she must think of me as her fat friend! I cut my wrist last night, as my leg needs to heal up in time for school. Believe it or not, it's more conspicuous on my leg than my wrist- it's a long story... haha...
(pm) I weighed myself! I was so nervous and just hoping it wouldn't be over 108 lbs. My weight hasn't changed- still 106.2 lbs! I'm so pleased but also wondering if my scales are broken....? My stomach just growled for the first time in ages. *sigh* ahhh, Ive missed being empty :)

FoodToday

Breakfast:
1 cracker- 33 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
Nothing

Dinner:
1 slice of pizza- 200 cals
2 slices of garlic bread- 106 cals
Snacks/Binges:
Nothing
Total:
341 cals

More than I'd like really- there are so many calories is pizza! Still, I sometimes forget that for some people, 300 cals is a meal. Haha!

new lowest weight!

106.2! My new lowest weight! Wow... :)
I went into dartford with my mum today to get a new school skirt. The lady handed me a 26 waist, which was way too big. But it reminded me to measure myself at some point. I might do that today and post it. Then we went into Subway and she forced me to eat, no matter how many times I told her I wasn't hungry. Ergh... I miss the empty feeling...
I don't know what I'm going to do when I go back to school; one of my friends, Em, is a recovering anorexic and always notices if I don't eat. I hate making her worry and I really want her to get better but I hate myself when I eat and feeling fat. I know it's hypocrisy but aren't we all hypocrites really? I don't consider myself to be anorexic- I'm not thin and i've not been put in hospital. A few of my friends have made comments about it and have said that I am but I just don't think I have a real problem. I'm just as uninteresting as the next person, only I eat less and think much more. At least I have a few days at home left and a group of friends are staying over tonight. I'm going to walk down to the post office to buy some snacks and things. I feel like I want to watch them eat, it makes me feel strong. Self control is like a muscle- every time its used, it gets a little stronger.

FoodIntakeToday

Breakfast:
1 cracker- 33 cals

Lunch:
Half of a 6" veggie sub- 137 cals

Dinner:
Nothing

Snacks/Bimges:
1 cracker- 33 cals
3 Ricola sugarfree sweets- 18 cals

Total:
218 cals

tenth of april

Back down to 107 lbs this morning :) Was hoping for more but I'll get lower tomorrow. I can't seem to have a perfect day. I never eat during the day but after dinner I find myself raiding the fridge. I get some strange looks when I sit in front of the fridge completely still, frozen in the act of taking that yoghurt out and then putting it back as many times as it takes to decide that I don't really need it. Soon it will be out of date. I don't feel quite as fat as of tonight but I still need much improvement. I will be thin. I just have to.

TheStuffThatMakesMeFat

Breakfast:
25g of raisins- 72 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Dinner:
1 slice of pizza (veggie, a small slice) about 200 cals
1 slice of garlic bread- 53 cals

Snacks/Binges:
2 crackers- 66 cals

Total:
395 cals

Yuck! I wish I could just take it all back and redo yesterday evening. Well, technically I could but I don't want to get into that stuff. I tried to make myself throw up once- to get out of school- but it just didn't work.

going strong

Today has been a (moderate) success. Horrified to see my weight at 107.8lbs this morning, but was entirely excpected after yesterday's binge. I was too depressed to blog about it last night, but basically I ate a whole packet of Munchies, half a packet of fruit shortcake bicuits plus a hash brown and an egg. Sunday is full English breakfast and I had to be seen eating. The rest of my food was cut up and smeared around my plate, Cassie Ainsworth style.
Anyway, I've not snacked today which is great, and I started my thinspo scrapbook in one of my lovely brown paper notebooks. It includes quotes and all the thin models from 5 weeks of LOOK magazine; I can't print any thinspo unless I get a day when both my parents are out. Haha :)

WhatIAte

Breakfast:
25g of raisins- 72 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
Nothing

Dinner:
Mixed salad- around 70 cals
1 boiled egg- 70 cals

Snacks/Binges:
Nothing

Total:
About 214 cals

Really pleased with today :) If I eat the same tomorrow, but with a lower starting weight, I might get a little closer to my target. I'm getting there slowly.

i'm such a fail

Devastated- I've not lost any weight at all! Stuck on 107.4 lbs. To be fair, I hadn't exercised at all yesterday. Went with my family to Colchester Zoo and had a reasonable time but am feeling incredibly disappointed in myself. For breakfast, I had my usual and told my dad that I had a few slices of toast as well. We stopped at a restaurant and even though I said I wasn't hungry, they ordered me a jacket potato and I just ate it all. I wanted to stop but I just kept eating and eating until it was gone! Ugh, I feel so fat and I have no control over myself. At least they saw me eat which will keep anyone from suspecting a thing. Anyway, feeling the day was ruined, I came home and ate again. ARGH! I'm so useless! If I slip just a little, I end up bingeing and making everything worse. I think I may end up cutting again tonight (luckily I have another week before school so by then, they will have healed enough to look like cat scratches).
Anyway, here's a little retro thinspo...

MyFailingsToday

Breakfast:
25g of raisins- 72 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
Jacket potato- 218 cals

Dinner:
Salad -roughly 70 cals (I had mainly lettuce and just a taste of anything else, apart from almost a fifth of an avocado. It's hard to measure salad.)

Snacks/Binges:
Half pack of Munchies- 131 cals
3 pieces of Wrigleys Extra- 15 cals

Total:
508 cals

Eurgh! Over one and a half what I ate yesterday! Tomorrow, I promise to do better. I'm aiming for my 25g of raisins for my metabolism and so I can take my vitamin pill and then I think it will be salad again for dinner.

fifth of april

Today's really bright and sunny, which I wasn't expecting in all honesty. It's about a week into the Easter holidays and the weather has been completely bipolar. I'm talking about a forecast of snow in April! Of course in the UK you can't rely on weather predictions as its changed from chance of rain to highs of 20 over the course of the morning.

Feeling great today- quite tired as its the holidays and I've gotten up at eight everyday. Basically, I slobbed around and did virtually nothing all day apart from tidy up a little and have a nap on the sofa. My stomach keeps growling and I tell myself 'this is the sound of you losing weight'. I've grown to love the sound of it and the feeling; I've liked it since I was small for some reason, even before I associated it with becoming thin. I sat and organised the cupboard in the afternoon and, despite being very hungry by then, didn't once feel tempted to eat.
Also, I think I've gone off tea. I used to be a real tea-head (at least three cups each day, as is normal in my family) but now after drinking Twinings fruit and herbal teas, I sat down to a cup of Tetley with semi-skimmed and was utterly disgusted at the taste. I thought the milk was off but it happened again this afternoon. Wow :) I'm going to save so many calories from the milk! PS. I've been chewing gum like crazy- I get through a pack of Wrigley's Extra Cool Breeze everyday, they're soooo nice!
AnywayOnToTheImportantStuff

Breakfast:
25g of raisin- 72 cals
1 mug of Twinings fruit tea- 2 cals

Lunch:
Nothing

Dinner:
Half portion of pasta bake- roughly 200 cals

Snacks/Binges:
5 pieces of Wrigley's sugarfree gum- 25 cals

Total:
Almost 300 calories

Can't decide whether I'm excited to weigh in tomorrow morning or dreading it!

hi there!

Okay, hi. I'm Sid but thats a shit name anyway so it doesn't matter. I would have liked to have been named  Alice or Lucy or something gentle sounding and delicate like that. I think that's the point though, who you would like to be is just as important as who you are now; you can have goals and slowly become who you want to be. Perhaps that's how you know you lived well and that you could die happily. As for me, I would like to be a completely different person. Starting with being thin. My weight now is 107.4 lbs or 48.7158205 kilograms. I am 5 ft 6" or 168 cm tall giving me a BMI of 17.2604239 or just 17.3. As for a long-term goal, I need to loose as much weight as I can, but for now, a goal weight of 104 lbs suits. Any support is much appriciated and to anyone who might read this and see it in a negative light: I appreciate your concern for my well-being and that of others, however I cannot promise to listen to any advice you give and so you may as well not read this blog at all. Thanks!
Happy weekend! :)